my transgender brain just messes shit up LMAO this was a nice moment but i thought too hard

I was sitting outside on the stoop with my grandma and mom, I was working on a cross stitch project that my grandma bought for me especially. my mom is studying for a very important exam, shes been a college professor (? idk the english word for what she does) for a long time, but if she passes this test she will be a chef, like, officially, so shes been baking and cooking a lot of different dishes recently to practice, and my grandma has been giving her pointers. there was a fire, it was cloudy, I was wearing a sweater and sweatpants despite it being summer. they discuss all the things my mom did right and what she should do differently when its time for her exam. i think about how similar the conversation sounds to the ones I have with my mother, and how I cant wait to be her equal so I can engage in thoughtful conversations like they often do. a moment passes. i wonder if this is "girl talk". i wonder if ill still be allowed to have girl talk with my mom when I'm an adult. i picture myself sitting in that same lawn chair a few years from now, I'm big and hairy and I'm still doing cross stitch. will I be allowed to engage in chat then? will my mother still love me the same. i don't want to give that up to be happy. i wish I could do both. i see a lot of people on the internet and they're all doing a bunch of fun self-exploration stuff, outside of gender and sexuality, and I know my parents couldn't approve of that. i wish I didn't need their approval, but I love my parents so, so much. i love my grandma and I love my little brother and I don't want to give them up, ever. I'm making myself sad LMAO. i don't care about not being my fathers daughter but I cant give up my mother as easily. i don't want to think about what shell say if she ever finds out. i hope its "you'll always be my little girl" or something along those lines, even if it wont be very affirming. i just want to be loved and accepted regardless of what I turn out to be.

i don't want to have to cut anyone out of my life. i love my family and they love me. my family is so important to me. i don't want to stop being a granddaughter and a niece and a sister when I become a man