SCARED

so

i got a message from cinni on instagram

you'd think id be happy or at least remotely reassured that they're okay, but i cant help but feel a pit of guilt and fear at the bottom of my stomach and a huge clench in my chest. im scared, and i dont know why

maybe because im not ready to go back, or maybe because im scared on her view on me, im scared she'll think that i hate her because im too afraid to give into temptation to talk to her. i feel like im unwell, i havent gone long enough without hurting myself, and i dont want to be back in an environment with my favorite friends and have my stupid mind spoil the only think that i feel like i have that is even remotely real.

im starting to actually let this thought process through my head and im getting more nervous about it. i seriously have to leave all social media like i said i would.  i already left twitter and discord, i need to leave insta, and if my irl friends cant contact me or tell me whats going on, their loss, not mine.

i cant risk my anger or wants for her to get to me, i dont want to be like the rest of them. and to my friends, now that im so much more prone to mental unwellness, it shouldn't be on them to comfort me, or anyone. i want to actually be able to be able to handle my problems without going to other people or physically harming myself. once i accomplish that, i'll go back.

im sorry cinni, but not now. you dont deserve me at my worst. you deserve so, so much damn love. but i cant let myself be the one to give that to you, or break you down.

why am i so emotional over this?

sorry for th like weirdly emotional posts tho recently dam i'll write abt smthn happier soon

-Cozmite

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