this is kind of a vent...

I wont say im depressed or having any mental illness. Sometimes i hate myself but then i love myself more than anyone else in the world. Sometimes i love my family, sometimes i hate them and just wanna make them disappear. I feel guilty about my whole existance, i dont feel special and that make me get jealous unreasonably when i see my friend(s) talk to the other. I dont want to grow up, i cant do it. I dont wanna exist in the first place, everyone would be happier if i didnt. I wanna be special to someone but i cant even do a thing to help anyone. Im afraid i'll become a hooker with this childhood