The desire to not exist.

I feel the desire to not exist everyday and even though my life has been getting better these past few months i find myself feeling it just as much if not more than before.

I don't know why i'm like this, i guess some people are just destined to be like this their entire life.

Realistically you would say that these are suicidal thought's right? But they're not, they're an entirely different feeling.

From my perspective the best way to differentiate the two is that the desire to not exist is filled with dread, loathing, general emptiness and the feeling that everything would be better off without you while Suicidal thought's at least for me are full of anger and anxiety and sometime's they make me reach a borderline manic state.

Another good way to explain it simply is that the desire to not exist is focused almost entirely on the present while Suicidal thought's are focused on the past.

I have a lot of issue's undiagnosed but nevertheless they are still there.

I've thought about going to a psychiatrist before.

I don't think therapy can help me at this point, the happiest i feel in my day to day life is a sense of emptiness when i get too high.

I don't think i'll actually go to a psychiatrist though at least not till i'm 18 since i can already see my parent's reaction.

I find that even though i don't have the balls to actually kill myself and self harm feels stupid to me i engage in what i call 'passive suicide' in simple terms i do stuff that's dangerous just to feel kinda alive.

during my last manic episode i took on train surfing, urban exploration of buildings i knew had homeless people in them, climbing radio tower's, water tower's and sneaking into an abandoned soviet era fully underground bunker that was literally cemented off via an air duct.

I kinda fear the day i turn 18 truthfully because in my manic state's one of my biggest fantasies is going to war and i know that all it take's is one manic episode for me to attempt to join the ukrainian foreign legion or some shit.

I abuse drugs nearly everyday.

Everyday i'm just waiting for one of my friends to ask if i wanna go smoke up or eat shrooms.

I like drugs because if i take enough i will be energetic and acting on pure impulse almost as if i wasn't actually there and if i take too much i will feel so bad i literally won't feel anything i will feel truly empty.

Every day im just waiting and hoping that i will get the chance to do new and harder drugs.

At this point theres not a lot of drugs that i wouldn't take.

Off the top of my head i can only think of Meth, Heroin, Crack, Salvia and Deliriants.

I know that the life i'm living is gonna take me to an early grave but maybe deep on the inside that's why i'm living like that maybe my subconscious is constantly in a 'passive suicide' mode and is trying to help me into an early grave.

I will be lucky if i make it to 20 let alone 30.

I know that this life that i'm living wont be long if i don't change but perhaps that's the point.

Perhaps we are all destined to live life like we do and maybe just maybe destined to die the way and age we do.

Recently i've not been going to school because i either feel that there is no point in it or i got so high the night before i literally wouldn't be able to function.

i've been home for 9 days now and winter break started yesterday so i'm gonna be home for another 16 days which is truthfully horrifying to me.

I hate home and not just my home but my entire hometown too it feels almost rotten and that's pretty weird considering that before i left for school in the city i actually bonded a lot with my class since we had our farewell party.

I went from being the quiet guy who everyone knew but never really talked to to actually having friends which was weird but nice.

But since i met my new friends in the city i realized that my old class weren't real friends.

They never reached out they never automatically included me in something i was just there most of the time.

But most importantly they never made the effort to actually talk to me.

Another reason i'm terrified of being home is that i don't have to actually wake up on time for anything.

Because of this my sleep schedule is fucked it's currently 4:25am and i've been writing this since a bit before 3am i've tried to sleep but i simply can't chance's are i will fall asleep at 5 or 6am but until then it wont happen.

The real fucked up thing is because i go to sleep so late i wake up when it's already dark out so it feel's like it's night 24/7 for me.

This shit is already extremely long so i'm ending it with a thank you to anyone that read's through all of this i will probably write something just as long or even longer when i feel even more like shit. :3