20 for a night

I turn 21 tomorrow

I can't say I'm excited. I always thought I would be but I'm sitting in the restroom once again using the shower for noise 

It's cold tonight but not as much as you'd think for a December night. 

I miss my dad. I'm always so quick to say I don't want to talk to him but sometimes I think of.how he might be sitting in his room, wondering why his little girl doesn't speak to him anymore.

Does he even understand ? Am I being unfair? The cruel daughter he claims I am.

I would've thought hannah would reach out by now. I hoped she would. I love her so much and I cherish my friendship with her more than anything why can't I seem to grasp on to it?

And tonight of all nights I want to nag at James over who even knows what..I'm hurting so much inside I don't even know if I ever wanted to make.it to 21

Why am I forced to keep going when all I do is sabotage myself.

I haven't been 17 for a long time, and yet tonight I see her in the mirror 

Broken and angry

I don't know if she'll ever go away