why try anymore

Nothing goes to plan, my life is crumbling ive lost both my friends and im so fucking stupid for thinking that i could write these feelings away and into books, theres nothing but suffering and remorse, but i might aswell pull my granddads move of drinking till he died, and im only 14, i actually wanted to do things and go places, but stupid fucking 14 year old me decides to make the worst fucking choices and you know what, i dont fucking care anymore, NOTHING FUCKING MATTERS ANYMORE AND THE ONLY REASON IM STILL ALIVE IS FOR MY FUCKIGN CATS, I hate being a fucking girl so goddamn much, im contemplating just cutting my organs out because ill never be an actual boy, 

so, if and when i die, know it was probably an OD mix of alcohol and pescription meds bc why tf not, suffer