Vent because i cant handle life rn

Okay so ive just finished arguing with someone who used to be my best friend. Important to note that it is my fault that we werent friends anymore, i was a shitty friend and i made her feel bad and i 100% deserve everything thats happening to me.

Anyway, my ex best friend agreed to let me vent to her and to try and point me in the right direction with my life. Its been going pretty well so far, ive made decent progress but im always scared of letting her and the rest of my old friend group down. During the vent i mentioned that i was friends with most of the group again, which she found odd. Apparently, the main girl i thought i was friends with didnt actually like me and was just keeping me around bcs she could be bothered to tell me to go away, which is something i had worried she was doing BEFORE i fell out with that group. Anyway long story short, i had an argument with my ex bsf about it because she thinks i shouldve picked up on the hints (which from my pov didnt exist). Im also probably in for an argument with the other friend in person at school tomorrow. I know what i want to say but i dont know if i can say it. She made me feel like she didnt really care about my feelings for the entire time we were friends and i just felt disregarded by her most of the time. I dont know if ill be able to say that without breaking down though and i couldnt take that. I feel pathetic for getting myself into this mess and worse that i cant see a clear way out. I wish i wasnt so stupid and could maintain friendships like a normal person i dont know what to do any advice would be appreciated although i dont mind if nobody sees my incoherent ramblings <3