The Tightest Knot In My Throat

Something I typed up a couple years ago but never posted and just reframed today. Thought about one of my best friends, Vonna Saffyre, so much with this. She was a precious gem of a person that I miss so much


It's just a really heavy feeling 

All over everywhere. 

I look and feel the color all around me. 


Raining in inky purples blues pinks and reds. 

Melting in dark fluorescent greens. 

Pooling all together for the black purple ache where she's supposed to be. 


She's there. 

They're there. 

Just not here with me.


It's hard to breathe 

under the metallic tinge of hurt 

and remembering and loving and wishing 

for things to reverse and finally


Be kinder. Be better. Be nicer.


It's hard to know 


What to do 

How to feel 

What to say 

Where to go 

How to be


I overthink 

My steps 

My sounds 


The way the pain makes its rounds


The music I string together to really put how 


I feel what I do cuz words are so hard for me


Especially when my throat has such a knot


That makes it hard to breathe


I just keep looking through my tired eyes 

and sometimes I don't even get what I see

I guess it's just me


Gripping my hand on a handrail 

Feeling the bumps and grooves 

Under my fingers


Heart beating so loud 

I hear it over everything in my head

In my heart, in my step


The feelings stay ringing


I love and miss a lot. 

I know I've been a lot. 

I'm sorry I haven't been the best I should be. 


Looking back

Thinking of what lacks

Feeling the ache of a century


It hurts to think of what could've been. I have happiness in my life. The sad's still there. Her smile's still such a sweet memory.


I hate crying. I half hate the thought of dying. 


I hate the thought 

Of them being gone 

More than anything 


So many mistakes. 

So many could've done betters. 

Constantly feeling my heartstrings ache 


When I just.


When I'm just.


I'm just trying to be

I'm just trying to see

I'm just trying to understand an easier more comfortable way to breathe


While I cherish what she means to me


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xryxix

xryxix's profile picture
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It's very vulnerable and raw. I'm not feeling self deprecative as much anymore but with the day that passed the other day I dunno. Just wanted to put it forward with how much I miss her. And how she's always got a spot in my heart. It doesn't ache so much anymore. Just not gonna be the same. Never could be without her. I miss her. I miss how she loved. I miss seeing the joy in her eyes and I miss the way she laughed with such emotion you could always feel it in your heart.


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Clara of Spacehaze

Clara of Spacehaze  's profile picture

You've purged and expressed your feelings of loss really well; it's a lovely tribute to her memory. I believe in the afterlife, that our energy carries on, in another dimension, (I've experienced feeling my Dad's energy so profoundly, a few weeks after he passed) So I'm sure she'll be aware of your thoughts and what's in your heart.
Poetry is such a cathartic release! Well penned :)


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Thank you, her memory is such a blessing. I'm glad I at least got to have time with her, to get to know her the way I do. I believe in that kind of way. It's comforting to think in another universe, maybe she gets to do everything she wanted. I hear you a lot, my condolences. It really does help. I would lose my mind if I couldn't express myself through art

by xryxix; ; Report