𝐏𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐲 :( (pretty long venting) tw: suicidal ideation

Hello to anyone reading this, its been a good two years since I've gone on a rant or vented like this but I've forgotten how good it feels to put this stuff out there whether or not anyone sees it. Although I always get this feeling when I'm venting that I'm being Selfish and trying to push my problems on to others which is how I lost a few of my best friends over the years. There was a few months after straining my relationship with said friends and going to therapy I thought my days of pushing away others and being incredibly negative was over but after some pretty big changes in my life I went back to my previous behavior although I was still pretty social  of school and I still had ambition and a 'will to live'. Things have only seemed to have gotten worse in my Junior Year of highschool as I've had really extreme anxiety seemingly out of nowhere. I've gotten so anxious at school that for the few days I went I would have panic attacks in several classes and be unable to eat until I got home.at night all I can think about is how I actually had friends before but I was too clouded by whatever sadness I felt at the time to appreciate their presence in my life. I've forgotten what its like to actually enjoy being young or enjoying my life. for at least 4 weeks I've skipped school I haven't done any work and for a few months and I've ghosted almost all my friends. I don't Know if I'm doing this on purpose or to protect myself from the social rejection and struggle with my self identity that sent me spiraling from the start. one of the most depressing things about all of this is that i have nearly forgotten what a coherent conversation that doesn't last less than one minute and end up leaving full of regrets is like. finally I decided to write this after a thought I had last night about how I've wasted the 'best years of my life' years that I will never get back. I've had suicidal thoughts for almost three years now and this is the one time in my life that I have felt like I wanted to die or rid myself of this world so I dont have to watch my life fall apart before I even turn 18 or really made something of my life