I just got done customizing my page and decided to make this my de facto diary.
Im gonna keep all of this public because it feels good to know that someone out there may read this and just know how i am doing.
So before i start dumping all of my problems onto this blog i might as well introduce myself.
You can call me Kabi, im 16 and i live in central Europe as for my interests im too lazy to write them out again so just read my profile, anyways i guess i should give a general rundown of my life up until now and only then start complaining about current issues lol so lets get into it.
I was born September 16th 2008 at 7:30am to a bipolar mother and an alcoholic father, my early life wasnt that good, my first memory is not really interesting its just me crying in a corner because my bowl of biscuits spilled onto the ground what is however more interesting is my ( i think?) second memory which is waking up in the middle of the night to screaming and seeing my drunk father throw plates at the wall and scream at my mother i remember not understanding what was happening and crying until my mother noticed i was awake so she put me in bed and i fell asleep to the sounds of them screaming.
My childhood wasnt very nice from what i remember and i dont remember a lot except that pretty much every night that my father was home (which wasnt often) he would argue with my mother and break stuff around the apartment.
Before i talk more about my early teen years i feel like i should describe my relationship with my parents.
My relationship with my mother has always been weird, from the beginning of my life when i was an only child to pretty much till i was 10 i would say i had pretty much minimal contact with my mother even though i lived with her (and my dad) thats mostly because when i was a young child she pretty much didnt interact with me at all to this day i remember that everytime i would ask her something or try to talk to her she wouldnt talk to me she would just do that uh thing for yes and that uhuh thing for no which made me feel like she didnt want to be around me so i distanced myself from her and just stayed in my room all day.
when my brother was born it was like something switched in her head, she acted totally different to him than she did to me when i was his age (still does) and even started interacting with me like a mother would though our relationship was still strained because even though she started interacting with me i didnt want to interact with her, when i was about 14 i decided to give her a second chance and started interacting with her again which made me realize how short of a temper she had and how often she had mood swings, i mean everyday with her is a new experience one day whe is super happy and wants to go out somewhere and have fun and next day she will be an absolutely cold bitch that will scream at you for daring to make yourself a toast when she made soup.
Even with all of this i still ended up having a pretty okay relationship with my mother, that was until easter this year when i got drunk she caught me and i said some honest words to her that she took very personally i mean she did not speak to me at all for about 4 months which not gonna lie i took pretty well because she didnt give a damn where i went and when i returned for those 4 months so i just had fun but after those 4 months we did end up talking again, however but it was never really the same as before and it got even worse in october when she found my weed and stopped talking to me again this time it wasnt as bad since she got over it like a week ago and started speaking to me again but theres still tension in the air everytime we talk its almost like im waiting for her to mention what happened but she never does.
Now onto my father.
My relationship with my father is a lot like my relationship with my mother when i was young by which i want to say that when i was a kid my father did not interact with me (and when he did he constantly lied to me by promising all sorts of stuff but never delivering)much mostly because he worked abroad so he was only home for 1 day a week till i was 13 and when he was home he was pretty much always drunk and arguing with my mother, but unlike with my mother i kept on trying till i was like 10 to interact with him be it asking to go places with him watching tv with him and trying to talk to him but he almost always either ignored me however in the last 2 years he has been trying to father me i guess, he is constantly asking me if i want to go to the city with him if i want to go to the water park, cinema etc so i guess he regrets not interacting with me in my young years but its hard to warm up to someone after they ignore and lie to you for so long so while i dont hold a grudge against him i hardly ever take him up on his offers because its just awkward between us.
so now that i have complained for an eternity about my childhood i guess its time to for me to complain about current day lol.
So in September of this year i started studying carpentry in a major city in my country however its a 2 hour bus drive to get there so i have to live in the dorms there and i have to say if i had to choose one decision i have made in my entire life that i dont regret at all its living in the dormitory, i mean i literally cant think of a single regret only positives i mean i met the best people i could have made friends for life, i have easy access to weed, shrooms and other drugs and best of all THE EMO GIRLS.
Oh my god the emo girls, i have been attracted to emo girls ever since i first saw them but i never knew any because i lived in a small village of 1400 people so being different immediately made you an outcast and a reject so no one dared to stray from normality but now that i live in the second biggest city in my country there are so many emo girls.
I think im in love, up until now i thought i was in "love" but now i understand that the only reason i though i fell in love with that girl was because she was the closest girl to me and had the type of body and personality that i like, honestly i find it kinda sad i only realized it now considering i wasted a year of my life lusting after her when she just saw me as a bestfriend but now im happy that she didnt want me because if she did i wouldnt know what it feels like to fall in love with someone at first sight.
I first saw her when i was on another planet off of shrooms and i was mindlessly looking at my phone high while just sitting on the toilet (not even using it just sitting there) i couldnt really comprehend what i was looking at other than the fact it was an emo girl and that she was from my area so i just saved her profile and went back to scrolling but when i woke up the next day with nothing in my system, checked out her profile and immediately fell in love with her she was so beautiful i went trough her highlights and couldnt believe how beautiful she was, that day i went back home for the weekend and didnt have the balls to dm her because i was alone and none of my friends were there with me so i didnt, but the week after that a lot of stuff happened so i sadly didnt have the time to dm her and currently im sick at home so i dont have the balls to dm her again but i have been looking through her highlights nonstop and i think i understand what love feels like for the first time in my life.
HER EYES oh my god her eyes, you could place an infinite number of miss universes or pornstars infront of me but i would still choose her just because of her eyes, when i see them i am genuinely enamoured with them i cant stop looking at them thats why i have decided that once i am back with my friends first thing i am doing is dming her because i cannot afford to miss this shot.
I am not gonna lie to you i was gonna write a whole paragraph about why i am scared i am becoming a junkie but writing about her has made me realize that love is the only drug i need and that the only reason i do drugs in the first place is because i have no one to love and i am loved by no one so i guess thats one more reason to dm her when im with my friends :)
Comments
Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )