1st blog a vulerenable admission

To start...

it's been a dream of mine to be a scene kid or be apart of the 2000s internet culture i've heard abput ever since i was younger... and honestly i have NO idea what to say or what to write so far..but i'll do my best!

i guess this'll be a little public note to myself? a psa of sorts??

 i think i'll plan to use spacehey to be a bit of a more personal look into my life? (i guess a diary??) Its kind of hard balancing wanting to be my authentic self online -- but also prioritizing my safety ngl 😭😭😭

• i was a lil worried about being to vulnerable on yt or insta since those are REALLY mainstream platforms annnd people are honestly scary! and i hope this won't be taken badly by any means

reading everyone elses posts did inspire me to write this! and im kinda proud of myself for that

so to further encourage myself, I'm gonna list my personal accomplishments

lets get into it!

+ cutting down my full storage in HALF by deleting 2000+ photos on my device!

• that made me so happy oh my gosh !!
• the clutter was just really stressing me out, on top of that my device was slowing down because of it, so if i were to make videos the performance would be heavily impacted and that honestly had me BUGGIN
• i think i made a new rule for myself -- the yearly cleanse!

i like to think of its kind of similar to the mentality buddhist's monks use ((correct me if im wrong)) when they make painstakingly tedious yet intricate art---basically  nothing is ever permanent, and change is ever present ive come to realize that with my life

oh and i figured stuff like that was holding me down..and theres always new memories to make, annd that i had no emotional attachement to it any longer?? which helped ALOT. it felt like cutting your ass length hair for the first time in 20 years, or this what i assume to be what it feels like i wouldn't really know 🤷‍♀️

• its pretty neat 
• like...imagine your friend were to has a photo and you dont so happen to remember it, they can show you and its like a 'wow! hidden memory moment!" it brings back some sort of inkling of what couldve been and the reminders just really sweet

+ doing makeup more often 

• it's been a goal of mine for a while but i never got to it -- i struggle a lot with procrastinating, to the point that ive been putting stuff off for DAYS not even days WEEKS/MONTHS because i feel like its not the right time or...that ive wasted my time or just not having ANY TIME AT ALL 

• ive come to realize that there is never the RIGHT time thing for anything and ive learned  through the hard way-- waiting for something to be perfect just leads to something not being done. and knowing my overachieving ass, I've done my best work with the faintest yet creatively eccentric ideas known to man (feat: my markiplier 4 president poster for my class)

• and because of my procrastinating it made me feel like my life has become a cycle. which made me feel even WORSE. because unlike alot of neurodivergent people, i dont like ROUTINES!! they just make my mental health worse ngl if im not actively stimulated or met with something new it makes me feel like i'm wasting my time, actually no. like im wasting my youth, or wasting the year by doing the same thing every day. for every week. so though these achievements sound pretty lame, it feels like a big step for me! and something i can feel accomplished about!!

+Posting on my 'vlog' Instagram

Honestly ive been debating for a LONG WHILE about what to do with my presence online. LIKE if you know how many weeks ive spent trying to figure this out youd be left with ..like idk 3-4weeks? i dunno.  plus the 10 months i took to just think. and be left alone..but ive been trying to figure out alot of stuff like..if i wanted my 'art' instagram to feature me too? But If you can't tell-- I GOT A LOT OF PERSONALITY annnnd..i feel like i'd smother my account with too much of 'me' to get across with my passions for my characters and art. like. i made all of this because i wanna tell stories and entertain people! anyways after months stalking ((Not really)) but enviously 'obsessing' over alternative people living the life I WANT, i finally gathered up my courage to press that post button, for the first time in 9-10 months 😭😭😭😭 ((well technically 1st time ever)) since it was my vlog account. BUT! i did post on my art insta SO that was a massive achievement!

now...is time for the absolute monster..my YouTube channel. The one thing i fear FOR SOME REASON?? idk i struggle to even gather up the courage to look at my channel in the past, i guess because its so mainstream it really feels like im under the scruntiny of SO many people. the pressure kinda gets to you know? 

i don't wanna delve too deep since this vlog is SOOO long already so imma wrap it up, 

for me and you!

+wearing gyaru & slowly getting my dream closet together! 

its been SUCH A STRUGGLE!! but i'm managing in a way that i feel happy with!

Alright, to close this out imma just say this -- i hope that to not let mental health get to me enjoying the holiday spirit. I'm determined to end the year strong!