12/17

talk of suicide, rape, and kind of (?) gore. read with caution.

i don't really talk about this here, or anywhere online, only in my private journal, but whatever. i have very vivid, horrific nightmares, and i have since i was in middle school, around the time my dad died. sometimes the night terrors are actually memories, or at least based on memories of bad things that have happened to me, like the time i was roofied and raped at a party by my cousin's best friend, or memories of my dad, but instead he's a zombie with evidence of his suicide written all over him with blood and a blown open skull. but other times, they are completely new things, like the worst one of all, outside of the "memory" nightmares, was watching my best friend who is like a brother to me, die in a plethora of different ways where i was powerless to help him. i know realistically, i don't need to worry about him in real life, considering the guy is six foot one and two hundred-and-something pounds of mostly muscle and he's a fucking fast runner, but i still do. it's even more horrific to be over at his house, to fall asleep and dream of his death(s), only to jolt awake, hyperventilating to him sitting next to me and pausing his favorite roblox game (which is called deepwoken, by the way,) to look over and ask me if i'm alright, or wake me up if he realizes i'm having a bad dream. i almost told him, "i watched you die," but i didn't want to freak him out. the nightmares will sometimes lead me into a false sense of security by getting less bad or even going away entirely for awhile, before randomly starting back up again even worse than before. i barely even sleep anymore because i'm scared of what i'll see when i do. whether it's riley or another one of my friends' deaths, my zombified father, or my rapist, i'm so scared to sleep that i don't until my body gets so exhausted and essentially crashes, almost forcing me to sleep. i'm so tired to my very core all the time and it's exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically, all of it.