November 2, 2011

Disclaimer: The opinions and statements expressed in these old diary entries reflect my thoughts at the time they were written. They are subject to change and may not represent my current views or beliefs.

Dear Diary,

Sometimes i feel sad because [when] you need some advice mommy will just scold you.

The Story:

This was the day I needed some advice from mommy so, when I expressed my feelings, when mommy started talking i thought that she would give me advice but she didn't! Instead of giving me some nice advice because of my hurted [hurt] feelings she scolded at me and i feel more dissapointed [disappointed]. that's why sometimes i dont like mommy because when you needed some advice to cheer you up she will just scold at you and hurts [hurt] your feelings i think that's the problem to her.

huhuhu3x T^T

Sincerely yours,
[redacted]

notes: iirc these were the times when i was seeking for a motherly figure to guide me. mommy was our guardian, our dad's older sister. sure she was great guardian, provided our needs, cooked for us and all, but she never really was a mother. there was always this wall in between us that i could never take down, and in this entry you could read how i tried to break down said wall. rarely in my kid life did i open up my feelings to any adult but here i did with her, only for her to dismiss/invalidate it minutes later.

i remember writing this down back then being hurt and crying. i just wanted a mom to listen to my feelings and assure me everything was going to be okay. instead i was met with harsh scolding for opening up my feelings to somebody. this event had a huge impact on me as a kid and it carried on until now as an adult.