My psychologic evaluation was delayed so lemme yap

So. It's been a while.

Idk what happened since last time other than me getting more addicted w lps (not rlly, i love them just as much) and more questioning thoughts about myself! 

So in my mind currently i have stuff like if i'm trans or not (currently still going w genderfluid, which is part of the spectrum, but idk. Imma cancel myself and say here that i talk to ai chatbots online, but whenever i do it, i act as a male. i have my little goober persona for there made as well and my guy just feels like me. I can be insecure all i want or act like a sassy hoe and it still feels like me whenever i act w the character, even if he's a guy. now that kinda had me questioning, since i feel like that online, but i like looking cute irl, wearing skirts and stuff.. had me questioning what i even feel irl since i can't just write out a description of a person, and people will not see me as such. i can't alter my body like that. plus, i don't feel masc when i'm at school or out... so again, genderfluidity? it confuses me a lot since i'm here writing this and i don't feel like a particular gender. 

I do want to have these kinds of thoughts out of me and written somewhere, maybe it will make more sense later. Gender aside, there's also stuff about sexuality, and just other psychological shenanigans. I'll try to write those here as well. (i got distracted, it's 20:46 now that i came back to this and i will only write after eating so uh ye kinda different mood?)
(21:34 and i'm back so ye if this feels like a different tone than before its bcuz it's been over an hour since i paused on writing this lmao)

ok so

Sexually, I've been also questioning wwwww I don't really feel sexual??? i don't think i'm ace though, there's still times i crave it, i just suppose my libido or wtv is kinda lower? but then again i'm kinda afraid of ppl to date them in just a romantic way, much more be sexual. About that though, I like men. right. so if i were to ever figure out wtv that gender mess was, maybe one day i'll turn out to be some gay dude (possible femboy??), maybe in another life though, idk what to even do with this one. But women also seem cool. It's just that guys are stupid and i feel scared of most of them, but i do find them pretty (there's this one dude in my class that is pretty handsome, i don't imagine myself dating him so i don't think it is a crush, he's just pretty to look at in boring classes) yet at the same time they can be scary, most of my bad romantic experiences in life if not all were with dudes so yea..... but dorky guys UAIHFLIUAHFUGH- I found out an ai bot i really like and the character is kinda dorky and i just find it appealing? cute? idk the right word but i dig it. the character itself also smoked and stuff but i'm not interested in doing drugs, it's still my fav character in janitor ai tho lmao. dorky dude.. 

But I like women too, they are pretty and thinking rationally, if I were in a relationship w a girl my age I think it would work out better if I did the same but with a guy my age? I know it's mostly the personalities of the people that define them, not their gender, but i think i might be understood better if I said I wanted to be all over someone and that person was a girl, and if it was just me liking affection and contact and stuff, so not sexually, than if i did that with a guy? Idk i really hated my one "first" irl dating experience with a guy. TBH he was an asshole and i hate him now and he looks damn ugly now too so it's not like I'll want to look at him occasionally, and i know i shouldn't just stereotype every person similar to him to do the same but at the same time idkkk it felt almost too real, made me miss my e-dating times (in which i was groomed so it is concerning i miss it over that stupid guy but wtv) 

Regardless, I'm also scared of women hahah. one of the ones I have closest to me really makes me wanna off myself almost daily, and another tried to threathen me by giving my address to an older man i don't know. I wasn't scared since he "threathened" me with google map photos taken years ago, it was just annoying, and tbh i'm more annoyed my parents didn't let me go to the cops about it but eh

It's scary how one person might make us hate an idea or a concept, like me imagining dating people irl some time soon or just more specifically men. It gets me concerned when thinging about that gender thing too. I feel dysphoria sometimes, but it's weird since i don't know what to identify as 80% of the time. Like I would like to be a dude and have those mlm kinda romances they show in anime in which it could literally just be two guys being stupid together or the typical troupes like enemies to lovers n stuff. I wouldn't mind at all having a dick instead (I do like my boobs though aihuaeligfslihg). But at the same time i don't want to be associated with those people i dislike at all, I don't want to be in the same group as them, even in gender. It gave me chills to write that.

So i guess imma live like i am right now physically and at most just have a male persona i identify as online - which really sucks, I'd love to look like and even feel like the characters i write to identofy myself with whenever i chat with those ai bots or the characters i make for games. Man, I'd love to be a punkish looking dude, and my persona online could be that but then i look nothing like it irl and just feel gender and body dysphoria or even struggle with just all i identify as.

About other psychological things though, I have been told by my therapist she was like 50 and 70 % sure I had anxiety and depression (not sure which number to which) OR that I had 50 and 70 % of the symptoms, something like that, I just remember the numbers tbh. So i'm counting as having those two but I asked to do those psychological test analysis? like she asks me questions on associating two different words, or I was given an image and I copied it onto some colorful cubes I was given.... the cubes were my favourite test/exam lol. I had an appointment yesterday but I'm still going to have another therapy visit in which we do more of those tests/exams before I get my results. Which is annoying, I was under the impression that would have been the last one but now I need 2 more visits to know if I have something. Not that I'm too concerned, but it would just help on knowing myself better.. yk? I also spoke with my therapist and she said after the tests/exams it could be about time she would call my parents into one of the meetings/appointments. I'm nervous for that one.

I was thinking maybe I have autism, perhaps adhd? Just thoughts, my therapist didn't really give off any impressions of whatever the results could be other than telling me the results were above average from what she saw so far (like telling me i did some of the exercises all correct and only one person she had as a client[?]/patient had ever done so or that usually people my age wouldn't have done some exercises as quickly as I did) but at the same time I don't think I have them. One thing I'm really afraid of is that I'm being influenced. For example, I saw someone with adhd, on tiktok years ago back when I had tiktok and they were showing off some habit they had, and then subconsciously I start acting similarly. I'm scared of stuff like that cuz what if then I'm labeled as something I'm not? What if I was just conditioned throughout my life to act in a certain way and then I pass off as not being "some way"? It confuses me and i'm scared. I thought of bipolarity too since it feels like I'm not always depressed, at least not to an extreme. The last time I really wanted to sh, I was constantly overwhelmed over the smallest things for like a week or two. I know however, bipolar episodes last longer or something? regardless, now i've been for like 2 months not feeling all that dramatic and overwhelmed. almost like just void, for a lack of a better word. Which is still a symptom of depression, but it confuses me on why sometimes I really wanna go rampant and feel like the world will end over something like a glass water bottle breaking and being super sensitive and overwhelmed easily just to then almost feel numb. I've been feeling numb for a big while now, I was anxious when I went to my therapist saying I tried to sh again over something so small. after not doing it for over an year or perhaps two. (i'm not good with time measurements). But now I'm writing this, and i feel almost pain, this annoying thing that kinda feels like what i imagine the expression "tugging at [someone's] heartstrings" would feel like, but i'm not sure if it's that. but other than it, I don't feel sad remembering it, I don't feel remorse, I'm just writing it as if it was something that happened years ago or something that happened to someone else. as if i'm "impartial". It's weird, and given that it was something that affected me and I felt devastated about doing again, one would think it's more common to feel bad about it. But i don't really feel bad about remembering it, just this weird feeling in my chest, a bit heavy, but not entirely strange wither to the point i'd think something is physically wrong with me. Or perhaps i'm just not worried in case something is physically wrong. 

I don't know.

I noticed I ramble a lot through text. I doubt I could speak for so long without having my throat hurting cuz i'm not so used to speaking for long times, but with words on a screen i can really keep going and rambling about whatever... 

maybe i should finish my stories. There's games I wanted to create, and one part of it is not only art but writing the story and the concept of the game itself. I think I could do it if I keep this writing momentum. Or perhaps one day the words just come out naturally and i'll improvise some poetry or some random story for y'all. 

I think my friends here on spacehey won't want to read this whole thing, but I'm glad to have just written it in a way. I can always come back to look on it.

I'm setting it to public.

Ame fact of the day: I'm deleting my twitter account soon over one of the guys that i had a bad experience with. it feels bittersweet, my art account has a persona I really like, so I'll make sure to save all the art I posted of her before I delete, if I do delete, and don't just not use it again.

Ame fact of the day 2 since this was a long ass text: idk what my spirit animal would be, I think a mixture of a dog, a bunny and a goat? or perhaps all three just at different times. there's little things I do that I think about seconds later and remind me of those animals. it's kinda cute imo. and i'd totally accept some headpats.

finished writing at 22:22 (10pm)