Entry 26 || vulnerable

i'm at this really weird state of vulnerability right now, so I'm typing it out in the meantime instead of trying to approach anyone about it.

if I were to approach anyone about it, what am I supposed to tell them?

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know"

because I genuinely don't know why I feel this way

it's that feeling where something tightly grips onto your chest

that feeling where the floor's colder than you usually remember it before

that feeling where the walls in your room are about to close in on you

that feeling where you're reminded that the warm lights in your room are artificial and manufactured

that feeling where your pupils slowly strain themselves

that feeling where you start seeing little black blurs of mixed color as you stare into your screen for too long

that feeling where you can suddenly feel every little dirty fingerprint stain on your keyboard with each time you type

that feeling where you sense the water behind your eyes that can't seem to find its way out

that feeling where you don't really feel in control of what you're typing

or saying

or doing

that feeling where your lips start to dry out

that feeling where your hair pricks the back of your neck a little too much

Just

that hyper sensitive feeling

that feeling of not wanting to be anywhere

that feeling of not wanting to be anyones

that feeling of not wanting to be around

that feeling of wanting to be alone

and that feeling of not wanting to be alone

I don't wanna be alone right now

I feel alone

I don't wanna be alone

someone please don't leave me alone

just make sure that we're one meter apart in case I do anything stupid

I just want someone with me in my room right now

that's all

I can feel my fingers going numb

I don't wanna type anymore

but I wanna shove my hand down my throat and pull out whatever's choking me up down there