Its kinda lonely here

One thing that the US has taught me, or at least my short trip to meet online friends over there, is that i really do lack a social life here in the UK, or it at least feels like that, i have friends, and i have a wondeful partner, i just dont have many friends nearby that i can spontaneously make plans with and just hang out, im honestly at a point where i gave up on even making plans with people ages ago.

London and the overall areas nearby arent what i would consider the most social or friendly, and that may be down to my paranoid and very low confident way of thinking socially, but it just like, isnt a friendly or open place, sure if you go into central london theres definitely gonna be plenty of people out and about having fun, but to me theyre having fun in their own bubble, london is a place where everyone just sort of gets on with it and keeps to themselves, which is something ive probably always known, but it sort of really hit me post nyc, basically everyone was just so nice and outgoing in the states, i didnt necessarily feel intimidated by socialisation really when it came to the city and whatnot, id be out and about with my friend and he would just start conversation with random people and they were even nice to me, i have multiple moments off of the top of my head where people were just nice, and where people said nice stuff to me, like theres so many sweet people over there and its just like, so idk nice i felt more confident and outgoing.

Compare that to london where im just sort of on my own, and as far as im concerned merely saying hello to someone carries are high chance of being handed expletives and idk accusations of being a weirdo, there was some like joke headline or something i saw somewhere that said something along the lines of 'northerner traumtises londoners by saying hello', and its honestly so real.

I probably have this view becuase im just not a social person, but i honestly just cant help but feel absolutely miserable here, like theres just not as much going on, and the city sleeps, theres a cutoff, you cant just hit up a random spot in the early hours of the morning and have fun, past like 11 the streets are virtually empty, i just wanna be somewhere where it feels as if i actually have a future, a place where theres a glimmer of hope, and i guess the answer that is probably brighton honestly, but alas im not rich and im not a uni student so that idea is on hold, and probably indefinitely.

I just wanna live, im 20 in just over like three months or whatever, my life is meant to start now, this is meant to be the fun part, where i actually start living, i cant just waste my 20s like i have a large part of my teen years, i wanna do something with my life but im stuck in a country that pushes against that, and i hate it, im cursed with art related aspirations and stupid mental disorders that make a regular job horrifying to me.

I really do hope this music thing at the very least just gives me money to live off of, and a social life, something to do, i dont wanna be some huge famous musician, i just wanna be something.

gosh thats so dramatic