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Okay, this is kinda random since I never write here, but I needed to get it out somewhere. Sorry if this is written like crap, I don't speak English, I literally used Google Translate and ChatGPT.
Okay here we go.
I've been feeling bad lately. I've been feeling sad, angry, incapable, repulsive, and I can't stop it, I can't stop feeling this way no matter what I do. All the time I feel attacked by my own thoughts, like someone's trying to bring me down or make me feel bad, but that someone is my mind.
Music doesn't feel the same, reading doesn't feel the same, drawing doesn't feel the same. Every time I'm about to do something, anything, I find myself thinking 'Why am I doing this? What's the point? At the end of the day, does this even matter? In the future, I won't care about this.'
I don't have anything that makes me feel good, because everything I do to pass the time feels pointless. And those are just hobbies. The problem is that I feel the same way about the things that keep my life running—family, school, social life.
My grades are shitty. I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail, but I can't bring myself to care. I want to drop out, the only reason I go every day is for my friends, but when I get home and start going over my day, I feel like everything I said to my classmates (or anyone I talked to) was out of place or made me look bad, or made them think less of me, and it makes me feel horrible. School makes me feel horrible. The teachers, my classmates, my grades, the consequences.
Everything feels so overwhelming.
Then there are my friends. I like them, but I don’t know if they’re really my friends. And don’t get me wrong, they haven’t done anything bad, this isn’t about betraying friends. I feel like the only reason we talk is because we sit near each other, or when we don’t have anyone else to talk to. I feel like it’s not a real friendship. But I don’t think it’s their fault either. Maybe it’s mine. I don’t feel comfortable talking about personal things with them, and I don’t really enjoy hanging out with them that much either. Maybe our friendship isn’t a real friendship because of me. I don’t know if I care that much. When I hang out with them, sure, I have fun, but I never think, 'I want to hang out with my friends.' It just doesn’t happen. And I think it has something to do with what I said at the beginning.
'Why am I doing this?'
I just don’t do anything because I know it will end. Books end, songs end, drawings end or get left unfinished. School ends. Minutes end, then hours, then days, then years. And when life is over, is any of that going to matter? When I’m dying, is a hangout with friends really going to matter? I don’t think so. If I kill myself tomorrow or live to 80 and die from natural causes, it’s going to be the same. It doesn’t matter. My favorite band won’t matter, my grades won’t matter, if I clean my room, it won’t matter.
It doesn’t fucking matter. I admire people who care about those things, I wish I could think like that. That way, maybe I could enjoy life.
Sorry for this nonsense, I don’t think anyone will read it, but I wanted to express myself. I posted this on Bulletins before, but I wanted to leave it on my profile, so I’ll also put it here. I could delete it at any time tho.
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francis, fran
when i encountered the seeming meaninglessness of everything, it became the focus of my life for a bit. it came along with a depression that stemmed from other circumstances.
anyway, it occurred to me at some point that the only thing that mattered to me was the fact that nothing seemed to matter. i was obsessed with the absurdity of the world. i, as a human, only exist because life got complex enough to develop consciousness and i happen to be one of those living beings which suffer. now i live in a meaningless and chaotic world whose only meanings are the ones we ascribe.
i realized then that i was being quite silly. people find happiness quite easily and don't question the fact that it's fleeting or that their actions are "meaningless because they will end." this is because they find some deeper satisfaction in the struggle itself... so even if their life is a perpetual series of ups and down, it's not necessarily the proportion of ups but rather the struggle for it that fulfills them.
i recommend reading albert camus' book, "the myth of sisyphus." it deals with the struggles that plague you.
i also recommend getting into buddhist meditation techniques. these help you to step away from worries about meanings and ends... and more importantly, it helps you to look at yourself and your thoughts as an observer. then you will see whether or not you're being silly. i don't know any books or resources, but the basic idea is that you are not the same as your thoughts and feelings. you are a separate entity which may experience those things, but you can also choose to be separate and watch them pass like clouds.
anyway, i hope you have a nice day. byebye
Thanks for your comment, it means a lot.
I'm not really a fan of meditation, someone told me to try it once but I wasn't interested, I might give it a try tho.
And thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out.
(Sorry for the bad English)
by Luca; ; Report