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birthday! & so on

it was my birthday yesterday! i planned out a big cool party and invited a bunch of friends but no one but 1 was able to show up... and then since she was there later i told her to invite her brother to join us cuz we're also friends. so it ended up being a good night after all :) it was really bad at first, felt really bad only having one person there with food ready for like 7-8 people... :/ and as an adult i just dont get birthday presents anymore. which i accept but it still is a bit of a bummer and makes birthdays just not feel special.

i taught my friends how to do handpoke though while they were here and we had a really good time! it was really nice. added them on signal and sent links to more tattoo supplies if they wanna invest in their own stuff. thinking we'll do like, we each make a little flash sheet and then we can do tats on each other :)

it felt extra bad bc i made a big fuss to freddie abt him getting to bed on time so id be free to arrange stuff with friends, and then no one even showed up for an hour. and i got a bunch of texts like "cant make it today" or just got ignored and then messaged right beofre bed like "yeah sorry wasnt in the mood" like thanks for the warning.... and then i was waiting on one of my best friends to come and i get a text from his gf (also my friend) like "sorry i ruined everything forever none of us are coming and its all my fault and im going to die here" like ok. ): happy birthday to me i guess. ): just bombed my mood really badly. but then we invited my friends brother and he was able to come after finishing some freelance work so it helped me feel better again. for a while i just was sitting there wanting to tell her to go home so i could go to my room and cry.

also not feeling good with money, had my last paycheck hit on wednesday and it wasnt as much as i had my fingers crossed for. put a fat chunk of it in savings and already spent like 100-150 just on getting medical supplies i needed and getting a couple little gifts for myself. siiiigh. and i cant keep digging into it like this bc i need it to last me until i get another job. and i need to reply Still to my recruiter texting me and tell her i cant take another job til january bc of family obligations, and need to reply to just a Lot of messages ive gotten. AND finish my medicaid re-application. and i need to get gifts for friends and family. growling sigh. thinking gonna try and promote my art more again, maybe make a commissions sheet (i will get nothing for it, but, might as well) and do some more prints or smth. maybe apply to inprnt to send me my money ive made bc i still havent made enough for automatic withdrawal. hate that website sm

and i have a lot of irl friend stuff from my bday to some meetings this weekend and next week and i know its going to upset freddie that ill be away so much and it just exhausts me thinking about balancing all that while balancing that i need and deserve time with my friends. i almost miss having a job and just being able to come home and crash out and not get nervous bc im too tired and busy to be nervous

BUT. idk. looking on the bright side rn. going to try and do some more art, having a lot of fun playing with my steam deck, and going to be able to have good friend time! and i cleaned up for friends over so my rooms looking better than normal, and i can do more tidying in the week


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