My feelings

Lately I’ve been feeling very empty and hollow like I don’t have a true identity, my sadness has been hitting me hard since my mom is at the hospital and I really miss her and also because I don’t know who I am like genuinely I know I am real and what I am experiencing is real but it doesn’t feel like it, exams are just making things worse I was studying science and I gave up I couldn’t take it

I’m a very sunshiny and extroverted person and I like being like that but that isn’t how I feel on the inside, I don’t like the fact that people only see me for my happy side and funny and freaky and stuff but that’s what I only show them, it feels like masking my true emotions 

I’m suspecting it might be bpd or depression or something but I just want a diagnosis so the feeling I’m experiencing is validated somehow but I’m not sure 

I’ve been thinking about taking my life recently a lot but I can’t it’s forbidden in my religion and also because I have people who care for me and I don’t want them to be sad I don’t want my mother upset, I love my mom

And this feeling of emptiness and hollowness is only numbed when im surrounded by people, but when im alone with my thoughts it comes crashing down on me 

I don’t like feeling like this I just don’t want to exist

Please someone take my life without me having to take it , when I say I want to kill myself i do but ofcourse it gets taken as a joke you know?, I mean it, whenever there’s a minor inconvenience I think back to the time when I attempted at 7 and wishing I went through with it