can i stay in this heaven a little while longer

today i went to my friend's bday party with that person. we had a really great time. they acted like they liked having me around. but i feel like they were just doing it to be nice. since they know about my feelings for them. even though i felt so fucking happy with them there, when we left i actually felt depressed. all the while while we were walking back home, all i could think about is that it's now all over. i had to be away from them again. i thought i was actually feeling happy at the party. but i went back home and i felt awful. awful enough to cry in the shower again. this will probably be the last time that i can be around them like that. they are starting to show signs of annoyance towards me and i will never dare to ask them to spend time with me again. or maybe i will just say fuck it fuck their feelings and still go back and bother them. i wish they liked me as much as i liked them. even just as a friend. cuz i cant go without them. i cant fucking survive without them'.they gave me a gift (and i love it) but ik it's only becuz they feel like they owe it to me.even if they tell me otherwise ik it's just that/. and i can't believe it's my friend's fucking birthday and i'm making it about myself again. but just right now. maybe i don't care. i just wanna vent sorry i'm making shit about myself as always. but right now i just wanna vent. make shit about myself. whatever. 

i wish i meant as much to them as they do to me. i wish i wasn't just a pest always buzzing persistently by their ear ,invading their life, invading their space. ik i'm an inconvenience, an unwanted presence in their life, and ik they are too nice to say that out loud. they'll keep it inside and just tolerate me .it feels nice to be around them but it also crushes my fucking heart when i leave. and i'll go home and cry about it again maybe cry myself to sleep. but hey i don't think i'll ever get to spend time with them again so. get over it i'll have to get on with life and move on. move on from this move on from them not everything is about me and i have to stop wallowing in self pity and stop making myself the victim always. i am not the victim here ,the only victim is them not me

I WISH YOU LOVED ME the longing is real the longing is painful idk what to do with myself i dont want to be crying every night again but oh well. i love you i care about you i think you're the most awesomest person ever in the entire fucking world. you're so perfect ,not in a you're spotless, artificial,  an uncannily perfect individual but in a love you and everything about you perfect. yet you bring me so much misery i wish you knew just how much you affect me i wish you knew exactly how you make me feel. i confessed how much joy you bring to my life but i never told you how much you hurt me as well. when i come crashing down from heaven i'll hurt