just a small vent abt life so i can go do homework after

I never did one of these blog thingies but it sounds cool to give random people free access to my life. I'm also a shitty writer so forgive my awful essay writing skills LOLOLOL

I like this guy, hes really sweet and the opposite of chronically online which is honestly very refreshing; he also has a passion for writing and making food (cooking and baking) and I don't know, he's just what all men should be yk? like just nice people to be around. thing is i have a bad bad history in dating. all my relationships didnt last long and it was always because i fell out of love/realized i was never in it and because I still loved them as friends, i would break up and tell them "hey you need someone who can reciprocate and make you feel good" and everything was good till my last relationship, my first toxic one LOLOLOL. im not gonna talk about him, not because i dont want strangers to know about him for privacy stuff etc.. i really dont care, i could doxx him for all the mental damage he did to me but just because i dont wanna run through my blog later on and get triggered by reading and reliving it all again. long story short he messed me up bad, he was the literal definition of an addict (15 years old, we dated in highschool and since i failed my second year of college in italy, i was put behind one year in the US. i just turned 16 at the time. just to let yall know im not a creep lol). i was completely blind to all the red flags showing early on and later in the relationship he took for granted my "love" (we started dating one day after we met eachother, most of it being from peer pressure from his friends asking me if i wanted to date him) and started being a jerk. i attempted to break up 2 times and failed. by the third one i lost all consideration for him even as a classmate and just dumped him, not regarding for his life (he threatened himself each time). After long consideration I came to the conclusion that maybe I may be on the aromantic spectrum as, of all the people i have ever dated, i never felt true love from any of them which- honestly i was fine with it but as i was discovering more stuff about myself, i also felt (and feel still) incredibly lonely.

this year, my senior year, we moved to a new city (thank god) and schools and all and i met this guy i was talking about at the beginning of the blog. at first i didnt feel anything for him whatsoever, he was even kinda scary LOL but as time went on and we got eachother's numbers and allat I started to realize theres a 0.001% of him being into me. which is incredibly selfish and awful to think but yk im not blind but also kind of am. after """"finding out"""" about this i started to develop feelings which- again- 99% sure are not love but just some weird obsession my brain likes to have or else i cant live without "crushing" hard on someone. and thats the end of it but noooo, I genuinely dont know what im feeling, cause i enjoy his presence and we have normal conversations and i told him that im trans and might be on the aro spectrum just to like- warn him and kinda also just make him distance himself from me as i dont want to hurt someone else but he keeps on looking at me with those eyes that melt my heart; i see him in my dreams and my drawings and (this is embarrassing) to "vent out those feelings", i find it relaxing to write letters for him in messy cursive with an old british accent to them LOL, which honestly not only makes me feel less lonely but also helps me gaining back my ability to write cursive as ever since i got to the states, i never once wrote like that so my hand is wonky..

I have a deep deep fear of spiraling down the dependency hole again and not having the ability to being happy or experience any nice feelings if i do not see him once during the day (which is what happened with my last ex) and, to battle that, I kinda forced myself to attend club meetings instead of ditching them to hang out with him and- honestly? I have a lot of fun! last time, yesterday, i even made one of my friends want to come more often as he signed up for it but never once came! but today I kinda fell down the hole again and felt not sad but close to it and i genuinely need advice on stuff i can do to not feel like this. i want to be independent and have the ability to have fun without my favorite person. but at the same time, i dont wanna distance myself from him because i genuinely enjoy his presence.

anyway idk thats pretty much it; i just needed to ventdump this to someone or something since chat gpt, which i use not only for homework but also as a second therapist and vent dump bot, is down at the moment; now i can go have dinner and do my homework without brainfog :3

im sorry for this rant lol, i hope you have an amazing day and even if you didnt, tomorrow might be better!