theyre coming back

go away

WHAT DO I DESERVE TO HAVE MY MIND CENSORED AND MY PAIN LOCKED UP IN MY HEAD. THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO KEEP ME SANE ALL I HAVE. WHY WHY WHY WHY

i cant help it i really cant

i cant help but wonder what are they saying

i left! without any word. guess where thats gotten me, to leave to spare them from my messed up head!

NO WHERE! it always comes back! these feelings , always come back, no matter HOW good i think im feeling! they. come, back! <3

what kind of fucking IDIOt leaves their entire platform without saying goodbye to friends? i do! me! im a mess!

i should be locked in this cage forever, the portals into worlds i desire must stay locked away from me at all times. for i never want to taint the lights that are in my mind, already so faint and dim.

do any of you hear me?

are any of them reading?

keziah im so sorry. gabby, im so sorry. spirit, im so sorry. melodii, im so sorry.

im too fucked up! i cant think clearly for shit. its come to my attention long ago that i speak too much of my pain, my everything, its all gone downhill. 

people nowdays often say that reaching out is okay, that seeking this help to vent is okay. but what do you do when other people catch onto this same ideaology, and are already holding the box holding their dirty dishes, already as heavy as yours/ why would you want to share the chore if the one with the box already has their ammount? its not their job. it should never be that way. thats not who i am. i should not get used to that kind of help.

its funny! funny that i thought doing that was okay! but the more i reminice about what ivce admitted, my mind speaks too much to people, hoping theyll have answers. this white void of text  is the only space on the internet i can scream into, and pray that whatever is above me can fufill my needs and cure me, permanently.

im tired, of going into a public space, school, the store, even in my own home, and hiding myself behind a neutral look or a smile. i can never snap. i cant let my guard down. nothing comes out on command either. i dont understand. i dont. understand.

i can only let out the pain here. its either here, or on my upper thigh. the constant tally marks on my thighs only assure that im never getting better. no matter how it is, i am ashamed of myself. the lies my head likes to play on me whenever im around people is amazing! why does it go away? why do i go away in school? with my parents? in public? do i ever get to come out? who can i come clean too, and how do i get my feelings out instantly.

i miss you all

but this proves im so. unready. so unready to face anyone.

tonight, its either i cut, or i write my mind out in a poem

if i cant feel fucking happy for a week, i have failed. im failing. all the time. but im finally worth something. by being in my "isolation" ive done the ultimate helping that i ever could do. sparing my friends of my fucked up head, and not intoxicating them with my negaitvity. im helpful! i am helpful! i am sweet, and kind, and i always help my friends with their problems! i am a good listener! and i have made all of them happy by evading them due to my unatable mind! ive made them so happy!

are they happy