Nervous. but i also feel really good today?

i'll have to cut this blog post short, as class is almost over soon.

today has been REALLY.REALLY GOOD.

i got a monster energy, aussie lemonade, tastes GREAT.

my outfit is SO COOL LOOKING. if i could add a picture, i would.

im wearing 2 new kandi necklaces i made to school, and they HIT!

and i had someone who asked to hang out with me during breaktime/ lunch!

basically, today is good. but what makes me nervous is about who hung out with me.

now, to be entirely honest, i consider this guy my friend, he is cool, we have similar tastes, and is probably the closest person ik to have a style that compliments mine. he is MAD FUNNY.

for a long period of time, we hadn't really talked to each other, since my social media hiatus, i haven't spoken to many people online, regardless of knowing them irl or not.

he msged me on insta, and we talked a lot, it made me really happy, and he said he wanted to hang out with me at lunch! WHICH WAS REALLY GOOD! BECAUSE IM ALWAYS ALONE OR BY MYSELF, so for a day, having a change of pace would make me INCREDIBLY happy. but, what makes me nervous is the possible context/ reason that this guy might want to hang out with me.

about 2 days ago, he broke up with his gf. and SUDDENLY started talking to me to..catch up?

maybe im paranoid. if you've seen my previous blog posts, you know im scared of being asked out. im scared of a relationship. im scared of being trapped in something that i know my heart doesn't desire, and putting that person down in a rude way just because i have a "Feeling" it wont work. my heart is closed and has  a specific reservation. i just dont know who yet.

i hope this isnt another guy trying to get with me. hes a sweet friend and made me feel less alone. im just praying he wont ruin it. im started to get feelings of wanting to isolate more, and if it gets this bad i might just cut again.

i love being pretty, and compliments boost my ego, but what i dont like is being made into a relationship, if that makes sense. i want to be complimented, sure, but just the idea of dating someone right now is really...off putting for me. im scared. im scared and i dont want anyone in my life

i bet half the guys that have a crush on me dont even know im genderfluid istg. 

i feel a bit upset. like, genuinely.

im getting thoughts about THEM too.

i dont want to go back.

expecially now.

-Cozmite