I'm king of fucked up.

So, I'n not quite sure what I'm doing here, But I had a very big life event that has just happened to me and I need to wright this for my self and the healing proses that I need to go on so just a fair warning this gets very personal very fast

     I have been struggling a lot recently, and it all just came out at the worst possible time. But there's a lot to unpack here, so let’s start with the thing that I am struggling with the most... I'm Gay I know you can't see it, but that is a very hard thing for me to put into words. I don't like that part of myself, so I just try to keep it hidden. I didn't always feel this way. And it started out not too bad, but these feelings have just started to overwhelm me, and I have come to that realization. It’s hard for me to admit that I have a complicated relationship with homosexuality. I don't care if other people are gay, but now that I feel that way, I feel guilty and sinful. But the thing is, I'm the only one who cares. My parents wouldn't care, and half my friends are gay, but it's hard for me because I'm fairly religious ( I'm a Messianic Jew ). So that has had a very large impact on my mental health and definitely a driving cause of all this.

      with that is also my chronic anxiety. As well as my schooling, I have not had the best time in my Algebra 2 class. It’s hard, like very fucking hard, and I am not used to that. I do not usually have to try in school. Education just comes easy to me until this class. I had never even studied for a test before, let alone do homework. All I usually need to do is listen to a lecture, finish the assignment, and so I just always have so much needless to say. At the beginning of this year, when I first came across something that I didn't understand, I was not expecting it, so my grade fell, and I struggled a lot. But I managed to keep it up just so I didn't fail. But then came the second term, and the subject made a lot harder. And after 2 weeks, I had a 26% grade, 5 zeros, and not a clue what I was doing in that class. Naturally, when a “smart kid " ( I don't like when people call me that ) starts slipping, a lot of people get concerned, and suddenly I was being hounded by my flex teacher ( Flex is what my school calls that weird 30 or so minute block where you’re supposed to do homework, but we all just sit on our phones ). My parents and my counselor and so I changed my practices. I started studying. I started doing homework... but I still don't understand it no matter what I do. I can't wrap my mind around it.I find myself in this math, now part of the problem and another driving force of my anxiety and my incident.

      another very large problem is that I can't ask for help or more specifically I can't ask for anything I don't know why it’s always been hard for me it feels like something is physically stopping me, the way I always describe it is it is the same force that keeps you from making very impulsive decisions like sticking your arm in a wood chipper ( Yes it really is that intense of a feeling.) and I know it’s not rational but I can't help it. I struggle to ask for help either from my teachers or parents really any one in my life.

      which brings us to yesterday I had studied all weekend for this math test and I was very much stressing over it than I didn't finish the test in class so I had to come back to do the rest during my next block ( I had debate but our season is over so that class is just all fuck off time) but I had Flex in-between now and then and during Flex I got called down to see my school counselor and I just had to talk to her about algebra and she told me that I WAS going to fail that class and now I was stressing hard and on the walk to finish my test, I'll admit I was crying a bit.

    because there was a lot on the line if I failed this test my grade would be a F than my parents would not let me go to anything for choir but I have my show this week and it is a very large part of my grade so now I would have TWO F's and not only that I’m very close to my choir teacher and she would be pissed with me if that happened

      I finished my test when back to debate my friend Bella ( OMFG Bella is genuinely the most kind best person that I have ever met you all would love her) noticed I was upset told me everything was going to be okay and I had mostly calmed down for the rest of the block and I went to lunch I got my food and ate but I finished fairly early so I had a little time and I decided to fill it by seeing what the lowest score I needed to get to bring my grade up to a D- it was a 90% and I set my head down on the table this marked the beginning of " the Indent“ 

     Bella taped my shoulder and asked me what was wrong. I sat up and started crying lightly. I grabbed an apple from off the table and threw it between my legs, pulverising it. I soon devolved into nervous laughter and bawling. I said a lot of things that I regret. Some of which I meant at the time, others I didn’t. And I will tell you what I said, but be warned: from this point on, the story will have a lot of graphic theming and talk about suiside and self-harm. So if that bothers you, be warned. I said, and these are word for word: " I just can't take it anymore. I used to be too scared to kill myself, but now I'm not." " I just want to take the gun from the resource officer and shoot myself right now in the cafeteria." "I have just lost the will to live." "I want to hurt or kill something like a small animal hold on no sorry, that sounds really fucking crazy. Just like an object, I want to kill an object." That’s all I can remember from what I said. The rest is kind of a blur. I did not mean what I said about taking the RO's gun or about wanting to hurt small animals, but at the time, I did feel that I was no longer scared to die. And frankly, that scares me. That I felt that way. I never knew that that was an emotion that I could feel, and I’m worried that one day I might feel that again and that I'll be in a situation where I can kill myself. That I will. When in that headspace, and non psycho me doesn’t want me to die.

      Well that is about all I want to write right now. So if you want me to tell the rest of the story, just say something either in the comments or in my DMs, and I’ll make a part two, but in the meantime, I’m feeling a lot better. I've been working on this for a while, about 4 hours (I’m a slow typer), and I really think it helped me process how I’m feeling right now. But I just want to thank you for reading my crazy ramblings. ❤️