Unsettling Dream

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(Blog post originally written mid to late November)

Every now and again, sleep is disorienting for me. Sometimes, I have a hyper realistic dream about getting up for the day and then I wake up, confused and back in bed. It always takes a moment to get my bearings after that.

        Yesterday was different. We had a friend over for brunch, and then I was ready for a creative day off. I filmed a tiktok about a decoration. I cleaned up the living room, then stood up, and hit the oddest wall I've ever experienced.

        Part of it was physical; I was suddenly exhausted. The other part was mental. In a snap I went from motivated to make the most out of my day, to weighed down by executive dysfunction and indecision. What did I even want to put on the TV? I was off, and so so tired.

        M came to my aid. I was just standing in the living room staring at the candle I lit. They helped me get cozy on the couch, and pick out a comfort show. I was laying down with a blanket, awake, and then I wasn't.

        In my dream, I did not get up and go about my day. It was like I blinked, and I was still there on the couch. Nothing was changed. Then, as I continued to lay there, unmoving, the world sobbed. I couldn’t tell if I was crying with it. It was within me and without me. It echoed through me. I felt a powerful panging in my chest, with no clue why. The world was crying, and I was wrapped in its sorrow, sharing in it, even though I could not tell if I cried with it.

        Then I blinked in my dream, and opened my eyes awake. If I hadn't missed part of the episode, I would not have noticed how much time I lost. I checked my face. It was dry, and I needed a moment to steady my breathing. The room was the same. I was laying the same way. Everything was identical, except the crying. It felt so real that even when I got my bearings, I still did not feel quite right after. Most of my confusing dreams are too much like my waking hours, but this one was both realistic and hauntingly different.