cross country is a form of torture

This blog is going to be a few weeks late, but I wanted to make one on cross country if for no other reason to just have it in here for myself to possibly look back on. BUT I finished up my first cross country season a few weeks ago, which I actually quite enjoyed. I didn't know what I was gonna do with myself coming to college since track doesn't start until the spring and I'm so used to CONSTANTLY being in sports. But I joined the cross country team, and ran it for the first time in my life as a freshman in college. 

If anyone read my last blog, I mentioned how I went to the frats the day after Halloween (Halloween was on a Thursday). Well, Saturday morning I had cross country. I was running my first meet ever. And I was out at frats the night before. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. My friend and I got back to my dorm at 1 am. I didn't even really change out of my Halloween costume, just crashed after brushing my teeth so I could get to bed as fast as possible. I took off the wig and a few pieces so it was comfy then went to bed. For the meet the next morning, I had to get up at like 8 am since we were loading the bus at 7:30 and running at 9 or 11 I forget tbh. I just left my friend (who was visiting from my hometown) in my dorm and she left while I was out. 

Now, I did NOT know I was running in this meet until the night before when we were doing team pumpkin carving and my coach was "well I assumed you wanted to run this season" and I was like "true ig I did train for a month and a half for this" 

ANYWAY I sleep the entire bus ride curled in a ball listening to my fave playlist hotboy summer. We get to the meet. Cool. I'm not nervous. We run part of the course as a warmup. My teammates tell me the full course is two loops in the woods (one short loop one long loop) we do part of it and I'm like "yea I can do this it won't be that bad." At the start line I have my inhaler for my asthma in my hand and at some point just drop it and don't notice until I'm about to go and try to take a puff on it only to realize I dropped it. So I almost lost my inhaler. Don't worry though, it was like two feet behind me and I took it. 

I had two goals this race: finish and don't get last. I don't care if I get second to last, I just can't get last last. 

We're at the start line. I was feeling fine before, and as soon as I move I have to pee really bad but I really can't at this point. This is also when the reality of this situation hits me and that I'm actually running a cross country race and I have to pull this whole thing out. I was planning to stay with this girl on our team that I've always been slightly faster than in practice, but by the end of the first loop, I am quite far behind her although I can still see her jersey from the back. 

It is at the beginning of the second loop (which goes back around the start line) that I begin to die and panic. My asthma also starts to get silly with me despite the fact that I took three puffs on it before the race. As I keep going people keep passing me. Right near the finish and the loop beside it is where all of the parents and friends are standing so as I'm running through there everyone is cheering and I feel so overstimulated. I like being cheered for, but when there's so many people screaming I just felt like my whole body was going to collapse it was SO LOUD 

anyway I think that cross country is a form of self harm because WHO DECIDED IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE A RACE WHERE YOU HAVE TO RUN FOUR MILES AS FAST AS POSSIBLE?? 

the entire race I was on the verge of bawling and collapsing and giving up everything hurt my legs were screaming I could barely breathe my arms were heaving I just wanted to collapse on the ground and cry I fully thought I was going to start bawling and have to run as I did so (but I didn't dw) 

I think the best part was when the boys team ran past as they were warming up and I my friend was cheering "yea chat match the freak!" which is an inside joke so that was sillly

ANYWAY I DID IT I FINISHED I didn't think I was going to and my lungs hurt so SO bad when I finally stopped but I completed the race and I didn't die and I didn't get last!!! My place wasn't great but I beat a decent amount of people so it was also at this point that I found out that was the championship meet. My first ever cross country race was the championship meet. The biggest race my school runs. How silly!! I never wanted to do that ever again. Worst experience of my life, and I run track. 

Afterwards, I was talking with my mom. There's this girl on the team who won't ever leave me alone and is like attached at my hip and I call her south dakota. She's the most anxious person I've ever met and is barely functional and is genuinely hard to be around most of the time because of how nerve wracking it is to deal with her anxiety. Her only topics of conversation are also: lulu lemon, how amazing her high school track team is, and how unbelievably fast she is compared to everyone else. So she's not the best to talk to, especially considering I joined the team late this season so was behind, and also have never run cross country before so I wasn't doing great. It was SO GREAT to finish a workout where I don't only feel like shit because of how hard it was, but also because I was slower than everyone, to be greeted by her talking about how nobody likes her because she's so fast and everyone's jealous of her. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I could go on about this girl she makes me feel like shit. She's also told me TO MY FACE how she's going to be so fast IN MY EVENTS for track that the coach "doesn't know what to do with her" because she's "so good" and is going to get all the top relay spots because she's so fast. FUCK OFF SHUT UP YOU'RE A SPRINTER YOU DON'T EVEN RUN MY EVENTS SHUT UP AND DIE.

But after the meet, WHILE I'M TALKING TO MY MOM this bitch comes up to me and asks, "how were the frats last night?" BITCH WHAT THE FUCK? MY MOM IS RIGHT HERE. I genuinely don't know if she was trying to sabotage me (for whatever reason she beat me in the race fuck off already) or if she's just that dumb. I think she's just that dumb, because she fully has zero concepts on social skills. It's kinda difficult to be around her lowkey.

BUT I got free sheetz after so it was worth it.

BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE CROSS COUNTRY IS ANYTHING BUT A FORM OF SELF HARM. IT IS GENUINELY ONE OF THE MOST HARD CORE SPORTS OUT THERE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. When I was sitting at the finish line for the mens race, waiting for my team to finish, every single guy either immediately collapsed on the ground in the pose dead sims fall into when they die, or FELL OVER the trash can and started puking. Genuinely I watched as these men's bodies FULLY FUCKING STOPPED FUNCTIONING and they just collapsed on the ground, unresponsive, heaving breaths so loud it sounded like a cry for help. They genuinely sounded like they were dying. Like, what other sport out there do the athletes have to their bodies to SUCH extreme limits that after every competition, they temporarily stop functioning. It's actually insane and I've never seen anything like this. Sure, other sports are hard and you have to be in great physical shape to preform well, but I've never heard of another sport where the body is pushed SO FAR physically (and mentally, cause running is EXTREMELY a mental game) that the body cannot physically move and often the athlete throws up. It's actually insane.

In two weeks, it was regionals. The entire team was going to regionals (where we stayed over night in a hotel and had a silly time) but not everyone weas running. Just the top 7 people. So I wasn't worried, I was NOT top 7 after my performance AT THE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP MEET NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT but it was okay. It would still be fun.

I was extremely sick. I got pneumonia (which I didn't know until a week later when I finally went to the hospital) but my throat hurt SO BAD it was difficult to function and my nose was in a constant state of running, so it was impossible to breath out of. I had to blow it every five seconds. I quite literally had a roll of toilet paper with me at all times to blow it because of how runny it was. 

South dakota yaps the ENTIRE WAY DOWN I don't even know about what, I had my earbuds in and was listening to music while trying to sleep because my throat made me feel like I was dying it was genuinely one of the worst pains I've ever felt. But I digress, it was fine. I survived. Then I take my earbuds out once we get to the course to do a run of it before the meet, AND I CAN HARDLY FUCKING HEAR. My ears feel like I've been on an airplane for hours and they need to pop, but they won't. So that's lovely! I run with the team even though I feel like I'm on the verge of death and I heave every time I try to breath because of my throat and nose not working properly. But I survive. 

We get to the hotel. I am rooming with south dakota (not by choice) and another girl. I have to share a bed with south dakota. I want to kys. 

We go to dinner as a team. It's fun. South dakota sits beside me but I ignore her for the most part because while me and the rest of the table are having a nice silly conversation she keeps chiming in about how great her high school track team is and how she's "so speedy" and has adhd. Nobody cares. Everyone ignores her. I feel bad but come ON. No one wants to hear about how you're so great all the time. I mention how I'm not running, my friend who I'll call "plant boy" cause he watches plant youtubers says, "no you are." I tell him there's no way since I was so ass at the last meet. He says I HAVE to be running. I say no, coach said not everyone was running. He calls coach over. She's confused and says, "yea, why wouldn't you be running?" I am SHOCKED and find out the night before the meet I'M RUNNING AT FUCKING REGIONALS. Great! Luckily I packed my uniform just in case I had to fill in for someone. I call my mom that night panicking because I'm running at FUCKING REGIONALS AS SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT DO CROSS COUNTRY AND ONLY DID IT TO STAY IN SHAPE FOR TRACK. AND SOMEONE WHO IS NOT GOOD. AND SOMEONE WHO CAN HARDLY BREATHE DUE TO A THROAT CLOSING UP PAINFULLY AND A NOSE THAT WON'T WORK. 

But I get ready the next day. South dakota wakes up an hour and a half before we have to leave and keeps trying to wake me up to ask me how to do this fancy twist braid. I keep telling her I don't know and going back to bed because I can barely do a normal braid, why tf does she think I can do this fancy shit? the most she's ever seen me do with my hair is a ponytail or putting half up in a mini clip. 

RACE DAY. I barely eat breakfast because I feel sick and exhausted. I am very much sick. I cannot breathe. My nose needs to be blown constantly. How tf am I supposed to run 4 miles as fast as humanly possible?

We get out there. The race starts. I'm not dying. I'm wheezing, but I'm alive. My body doesn't feel like shit. Well, my throat is completely dry and the air is so cold it kinda hurts, but it's not hurting in the typical running way. 

I am nowhere near anyone on my team. I'm not going as fast as I would like due to my body feeling like it's close to shutting down. That's okay, I'm just running this for sillies. I'm not winning anyway. I just need to finish and not get last. 

The boys team is on the sidelines. The all go INSANE when I come into view. They're screaming as loud as humanly possible, one guy is jumping up and down screaming my name, plant boy is yelling "yes chat you can do it! you're matching the freak!" you would've thought I'm an Olympic runner by the way they were yelling for me. It genuinely made me feel so good. No one's ever cheered for me like that.

BUT I DO FINISH THE RACE. And I didn't get last this time either!! I'm talking to my mom and plant boy but it's not long before south dakota shows up and is making me wanna kys because she's "so fast" STFU. She does congratulate me on getting a PR (personal record) even though I didn't, but whatever. That was nice of her. She then does go on about how she's so nervous everyone is going to be mad at her for being so fast tho so my appreciation didn't last long unfortunately.

But it felt better than the last race. I was like 2 minutes slower which sucks, and I knew I could've pushed myself more but I WAS sick and WAS trying to not die and keep my ability to breathe. So.

ANYWAY idk if anyone is actually gonna read this, but if you did, I appreciate it. :)