fit to go sit in my closet and contemplate

i dont know why this keeps happening to me. today was going great, me and my mom went christmas shopping, i decorated my uncles cross and since i got home ive been seeing videos on my fyp about peoples mental health experiences and what its like in the mental hospital and i was thinking back to when my mom found out i SH'd myself and we were talking about me going away to the mental hospital and now im wondering what wouldve happened if i did, i imagined myself going now and coming back dehumanized. how my teachers would react, my friends. i need to feel something. i have a tendency of being like, competitive? with my mental health and i hate it. i hate that i compare what ive gone through to others, their feelings and scars to mine. i feel invalidated over it and its stupid because it shouldn't invalidate me and i shouldnt even care but i do anyways. i just want it to stop, i wanna feel normal again.