Addiction

I wrote this poem when I was 20. I don't like to talk much and this experience was painful 😣 I kept hearing Jesus tell me to share the experience because someone could be going through it also. I asked Him if it would be okay if I wrote it in a poem because it's easier for me. He said,"Yes."

03/08/07

When you look at me,

What do you see?

You may see a girl who is quiet and shy.

You may see a girl who hides her feelings inside.

 I'm shy, because of the people who do not like the things I do.

I'm like this because of the things they say and the things they do.

They will judge you by the way you look. They don't judge you by your soul.

It is Jesus that makes you whole.

 If I can trust you, you will see the real me today.

I have trouble with believing in what people say.

There are many things that you may not even thought I have done.

There was a battle that I have won.

I was addicted to something much worse than drugs and alcohol.

I did not realize it then, but I took a huge fall.

I knew I could not hurt anyone,

I was the only one.

So I took the pain, the anger, and the hate upon myself.

I put all the pain and the hate in a jar, and I put it upon a shelf.

 I did the addiction only once a week.

Soon, my soul became weak.

I did not realize it though; I kept on living my life.

No one knew I was cutting my wrist with a knife.

My mother found out, and she tried taking away all the things that can hurt me.

If only she knew, I was feeling depress from being lonely.

The pain and the hate grew stronger, and I was cutting myself everyday.

I no longer believed in anyone, not even God; I no longer prayed.

"You don't have a job. You've quitted school. You are a nobody."

That is what the people I look up to said to me.

 I heard every day the names you will say behind my back and when you think I'm asleep.

If you only knew, I already know the promises I did not keep.

I can look into your eyes and I can see, I didn't grow up to be what you wanted me to be.

You tried so hard to teach me well. You were hoping I would grow up to become a somebody.

Instead, I took the same path as you.

Something you told me over and over to never ever do.

Four long years of cutting myself. Four long years of wasting time.

Four long years of going crazy out of my mind.

One night, I finally cried out.

"Someone, anyone please help me out!"

 My family and my friends couldn't hear me scream.

I was in the most terrible nightmare that I could possibly dream.

I dug myself five and  a half feet in the ground.

I was only an half a foot away from my break down.

No one heard me cry.

There I was in six feet deep, waiting to die.

 Then I heard a voice coming from within.

The voice wasn't my own. It told me that I can win.

I realize this voice wasn't coming from my head; I felt it through my heart.

"Ann, I have been with you. I have been watching you; you were never alone, Sweetheart."

 With every word He spoke, my heart ache.

That is when I saw His hand. "I will hold out my hand for you to take."

As I reach out, He pulled back His hand. "First, try to get yourself out."

I cried out, "Holy Father, there's no way! I'm in too deep; I can't climb out!"

"Try, my child. If you cannot make the other half of the way, I will pull you out."

So, I dug my fingers in the dirt and used all of my strength to pull myself out. I had my doubt.

I got half of the way, and I couldn't  go any farther. "Please, Holy One, help me."

 That's when He reached down and pulled me out. I am free.

I have made a promise to Him.

I shall never do anything like that again.

"Thank you, Father. You are my best friend."

"My child, when you feel the world is too cold , too dark, and you cannot carry on,

Look deep within your heart. I will be there; I can never be gone."

"What about those who are having a hard time, and are not seeking for you?"

"You can tell them that no matter whom they are or what they have done, I love them too."

 Now, the people who are blue,

That is a little bit of my past. Do you think, I am just like you?

I once was lost, but I didn't know it.

I needed someone to help me, but I didn't show it.

 There was only one person who heard me cry.

He knew my real fate; so, He didn't let me die.

There is only one problem, though. He's waiting for you to call on Him.

Cry to Him as soon as you can, so He can begin.

That's how I got over my addiction.