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so, he's already starting to not talk to me
that should be a good thing,right?
but honestly, its made me think of a lot. some understandable, some stressful.
every kid i've met in school almost never talks to me out of school. its like they don't care. nobody in this world cares anymore/ this is like the one time in my life where im genuinely gonna have to be alone. i pray by the time i'm an adult living on my own that this kind of mentality in life changes, with the toxicity and the overall negativity. like, why is everyone so damn mean nowdays? on the internet and even irl.
there's this girl in my class who openly was calling another girl in a video presentation weird out loud. sure, it was to be funny and i understand but. that's not really something you should say out loud i guess. its still rude form my perspective. they're people too even if they cant hear your words.
i think i might be hypoctitical on the current mentality of the people, because i've left my friends online to be alone, and i only sometimes feel good.
sometimes. i want to go back
and check what they've messaged me.
i see the notifications, but the second i click to see the messages, i dont think i'll be able to refrain from thinking about them all the time, so i stray as far as i can. i completely deleted discord from my phone too so i dont have to think about it too much.
next is probably twitter. i get notified on twitter about shit even if i dont use it, so i just need it out for good.
i wanna delete insta, but i never could, at least, not for now.
i have this sweet 16 planned with 3 friends, and one of them doesnt text me on my number, making insta the only way to speak to them regularly and know what they're doing and stuff
god, the fucking sweet 16.
my dad told me to let my friends know about the place i plan on going to and all that, and he REALLY wanted me to have 3 people to invite. problem is. i dont exactly hang out with ANY of the people i chose on a regular basis. for 2, its like every other month, and for the other 1, its once in a blue moon. expecially with the way i isolate myself from speaking nowadays, its making it so hard to regularly expose these friends to eachother, strengthen our relationships, or just do anything at all. i dont even know how to fucking plan anything and my dad expects me to have it all settled out, but i dont even know what im supposed to do if im supposed to have an entire resort trip that'll be a 4 hour drive, and i have to make sure everyone is happy and entertained, like, im gonna be really depressed and stressed out honestly. this might be just as bad as my 14th birthday. i remember crying the night of my 14th because my parents argued lot on my birthday and it made me want to die because of it.
i wish i had no friends, i wish people didnt know me. i dont understand what i want at all
i want interaction, but theres so much pressure to constantly give people attention, and its like every other day i want to be alone and away from everyone. why am i like this. why cant i just have one simple feeling. its either you want friends, or you dont. i get so uncomfortable when i have ti interact with most irl friends because i just genuinely dont want contact with people, but then i tend to be really worthless like nobody likes me.
idk.
like i genuinely dont understand my feelings anymore.
Might cut again because these thoughts are getting bad.
-Cozmite
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ethernet
you aren't wrong-- a lot of the internet is negativity, & in person to person interactions as well. i believe what has happened is that it's become normalized to treat other people absurdly, whether to get a laugh or to fit in. it's like people have lost their will of keeping it together, if that makes sense. if i were to see someone behaving in a way which seemed absurd to me, i would still endure it through sheer will + basic kindness. it seems its just... lost on some people. i don't think its hypocritical to comment on the negativity, though-- merely making an observation. i can understand why one would think that though
i won't tell you how to live your life because that's counterintuitive & i am just another person on the internet. however, i do believe it would be helpful to tell your friends some of this, the shit you deal with. you have every right to not feel that connection or want to be alone; i too like to be isolated at times. however, it's also important to not leave them hanging either. i'm sure if you tried to explain it to them they could try to understand. at the very least, its important to have them be informed.
i cannot provide you with some end all be all answer or complex solution to your problem, unfortunately. however i would say attempt on trying to make a balance, find time to have a routine where you can spend some hours alone and some with others. divide your time into the two parts of yourself you deem important. it is vital to be true to what you want, but also be gentle with yourself. growing is hard. being unsure is even worse. although thinking is hard too, possibly attempt to write what else you may feel in detail to look back on & try to understand. either way, i won't tell you how to live your life-- i simply wish you well :)
P.S: i cannot stop what it is you do, but do remember to cleanse the wound & dress it if you do end up doing such a thing. infections aren't helpful, only make it more torturous. BTW do not forget ointment if you wish for it to heal a bit more quickly. as said previously i am not endorsing you doing this at all, it is better to find better coping methods or possibly doing something similar but not as painful, but i will not wander into your account to scold your way of being. i used to self-harm too, i understand the struggle. just know there is someone out there that will be a perfect balance between your want for interaction but not everyday, constant discussion. there really is a lot of fish in the sea, not to be cliché. & as stated before sometimes when i personally feel that urge i try to write, it still has the motor movement & some pain if you're gripping hard down on the pencil but it is less jarring. i wish your birthday well, whenever it occurs. hope the best
This is the most meaningful thing someone has said to me in forever. it reminds me of the way i would always peptalk my online friends ive abandoned with these huge really inspirational blocks of text. genuinely, thank you. i'm going to think about this comment a lot.
i cleaned up my wounds, its not something i'm proud of, but i'm happy you aren't someone who would scold me for doing such a thing and show genuine care. thank you so, so much.
by KLAWZZ; ; Report
degrace
You sound like a very normal person to me. Many people live with the same feelings, it just isn’t common to speak of them. If I can give you a piece of advice, I’d say: don’t try to force the situation. Allow yourself to feel like you just want to be alone, and then at the very next day, you can go and spend time with people. You seem like a very kind and sensitive person so believe me, there are people that like you.
Genuinely tysm. i feel like a lot of the weird countering emotions i get are totally weird, and it feels so good to have someone tell me they're valid and not along. it makes me feel less like a hypocrite and some sorta rude monster. You're very sweet :>
by KLAWZZ; ; Report
You're welcome!! it’s perfectly fine to feel like you dont want to see your friends every single day. it doesn't mean you dont like them, it just means you’re human and you sometimes get tired of social interaction. It only means you need time for yourself to focus on your thoughts and your life. I know how you feel and I myself do the same sometimes.
by degrace; ; Report