Awoo Life and Living Pt.2

Alright here we go. I'm Cherry and I've been thinking of changing my usernames because they're one of the few things I can control.

---

So where have I been? Why have I been dipping in and out of existence in cyberspace? Well it comes down to whats happening in meatspace, and my headspace.

I will be the first to admit that I struggle with something I am undiagnoised, not that I am claiming I should be, and don't really do the whole 'opening up to people' thing. I get real tired and fed up with life which include social media, shows, videos, my family, my close friends and I don't think I'll ever not be this way so I just push through it. 

My elder pack member is frail, to put it lightly, she's on dialysis she has stomach problems she has fluid building up in every part of her body it feels like, and she's in and out of the hospital constantly. By constantly I am writing this as of her just being released again. 

I have also been feeling pretty aimless? I am 19 with no bigger goals or assperations and I am told this is somewhat normal but then again, I don't open up so how can I really know if its normal or not. I yearn to be a machine more then a person but I don't make the cut for metal or flesh and tend to hover between in some grey area. 

I have been for the most part checked out, or the other word that I am forgetting. I recognize it, I feel like I can't do anything about it. 

Ontop of that the weight of my actions is really setting in, I am going to college? Why tf am I going to college?? but we move past that and focus on why am I doing so bad?? My classes are online (for convenience) and every seven weeks is a new course. So a lot of content, or maybe not, I don't know I don't have a scale for how normal something is. I've taken something like 5 classes now? No breaks. and Now I am taking a mandatory Christian Worldview class that is actually draining my heart and soul. I am by far the least 'religious-y' person, I don't knock on anyone who subscribes to any sort of beliefs but I really don't want to analyze and read 15 sections of the bible every week and reiterate "who is Jesus/God to you" a million different ways. They serve as symbols of morality for those who who believe in them, I don't they are nothing more then the yellow wallpaper that is driving me crazy. 

But I digress, I have been sort of punishing myself for these personal let downs so to say (I refuse to use words that might make things more serious so fill in the blanks or something). It's easy to sleep during the day so that at night no body really checks on me. Some of it isn't punishment but like actual genuine problems, I can't sleep right. I either go to sleep and wake up 2 hours later then go to sleep and wake up 7 hours later, but a lot of my sleep is being disturbed and I'm waking up and finding myself unable to sleep so I listen to music for a good while to make my head pound and then try going back to sleep. I sleep better when I'm in pain I fear. 

---

All of this is to say I am struggling, I am not abandoning my account, and if I am interacting with anyone please don't be offended if I don't reply.

-Sincerely, the Beast.