Starting fresh in 2025 with romance

As the year of 2024 slowly closes on its last month, I've realized I've accomplished a lot in the friendship department.

In the span of 11 months, I've gained more friendships than I can count, lost some friends along the way, tried online dating, tried VRChat using a headset, met online friends from VRChat in person, regained some friendships, and traveled further from my hometown without family.

I'm electing to cruise through life and not have to worry so much about dating until after the New Year introducing 2025.

The reason for my decision? Love sucks.

That's right - I tried online dating and things didn't work out. Feelings become really complicated.

For starters, because I was on VRChat many times and have a higher chance of finding online dating like-minded adults through that social platform, I decided to sign onto Nevermet and later in the year Boo. There were a few takers and I've tried online dating a bit and getting to know some folks, but the only positive outcome was striking up a friendship with one guy who introduced me to a server of cool people, who I eventually met in person back in May and continue to hang out with them.

I also ended up trying out intimacy online... I'm not going to say the words. Just know that I apparently developed phantom senses on VRChat. I'm leaving it at that.

(I've done this a few times with some guys, but that's it. At least I'm not spreading myself around the internet, you know? I only go for the moments and timing. According to half my friends, they've done worse things... which makes me feel very vanilla in comparison.)

When I realize most guys wanted a one-night stand or casual situations, I started to grow depressed towards the end of the year. With my possibly autistic mindset (my sister works with autistic kids and had a Masters thesis project about the topic, and ever since her studies, she's been convinced I should get a diagnosis), I compiled the following reasons that every guy has given me on why they can't be with me, despite liking me (whether they remain good friends with me or not):

1. He was emotionally unavailable. (This guy I never saw again after he tried to drunkenly S.H. me on VRChat, and a few of my friends luckily intervened.)
2. He's more focused on trying to get his life situated with his kids. (This one I haven't seen recently because of a fallout with another friend of mine, and he talked bad about her behind her back when he didn't notice she was around. He also was friends with people who were anti-LGBTQ+ and let him rant about how his kids are not safe around people like that... there's more to it than that, but he's judging groups based on only one lesbian couple.)
3. He playfully blamed me for saying wrong information when I was getting mixed signals from a couple of my buddies on whether or not they were getting together. (He never talked to me after I ghosted him for months due to the fact that I saw a trend of him wanting to be with Asian women. I felt like he was trying a similar version of his friend out with me, and that felt disgusting.)
4. He thought I was so flirty that I'm basically a whore and judged me based on how I talk with my guy friends. (Never again will I talk to that guy. We barely had a conversation the few times we hung out with my friends.)
5. He just wanted something casual. (We kind of ghosted each other after a short while. There was maybe another guy who wanted that, as well.)
6. He confirmed that we're good friends, and later believed I'm not ready for a relationship at this time. (This guy I eventually tried some stuff with and didn't expect... moments and timing and all... but in the end, he's still a good friend I like flirting with every now and then.)
7. He wasn't able to commit to a relationship and he claimed to not be ready for one. (This one made me more angry and uncomfortable in the end, because he became a good friend really fast in the beginning, but I realized he kept being obsessed with me and would say some odd things here and there. When I eventually moved on because we were getting bad at drawing our boundaries, he seemed to not have moved on. We had a bit of a row and I decided to not contact him unless he's ready to be just a friend to me.)
8. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship and didn't want me to wait. (This guy was great; the only thing wrong was that he was slightly younger than who I'd usually go for. However, with the timing and who is ready for what, we both gradually decided after 2 weeks that we can't be together. At least he's still a good friend, though.)

That last one hurt a lot, but at least we parted on good terms and not many people knew we were together for a brief time. Perhaps it was better that way; it's like that one sad duet song by Ariana Grande and Nathan Sykes - "Almost is Never Enough". This felt like a fresh breakup even though we weren't officially dating, so I'm ending the year in being single, as far as I'm concerned.

As far as looks go, I believe in the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I've heard so many similar excuses about how I look "cute" and that "looks aren't everything; we could get over it", etc. No one wants to hear that. (That's why it felt hard letting go of the last guy, because he saw my face and said I looked gorgeous, and he didn't mind my weight at all.)

I've heard advice from so many of my friends regarding dating over the past 11 months, and I've compiled another list of what I look for in a guy. Most of my older friends told me to never rush love and not to settle on someone; I should know my self-worth.

Here's a list of what I look for in a guy: (my mental checklist for 2025)

• a decently handsome guy who makes my brain short-circuit upon one glance
• someone who sees how I look and thinks I'm beautiful
• someone who likes my laugh and smile
• someone who cares about how I feel
• someone who doesn't care/mind about my weight
• not a racist
• LBGTQ+ ally
• has a job
• likes to learn/is in college/graduated from college
• an adult. No exceptions. My greatest limit is 40 years old, for sure.
• not an asshole to me
• likes to give me hugs and kisses
• tells me he loves me
• is okay with calling me his girlfriend or boyfriend (because I'm bigender, though most of the time I identify as female)
• is okay with me romancing him every now and then
• is chivalrous with me yet at the same time gives me sovereignty
• can get along with my family and friends
• can communicate with me each day, even if it's silly messages of how my day is, how his day is, or send flirty jokes; etc.

This seems like a lot, but I've narrowed down what's more important in my life. I'm hoping to approach the next year with prospects of finding love, despite dealing with stuff happening in my life such as helping my ill mother, keeping up with my health, and working hard to pay bills. (So, the usual adult shit.)

Wish me luck for the New Year!