thanksgiving

Let me start this off by saying all of the following text was written on  my phone's notes app on the day of Thanksgiving, I only pasted it here to share my random shit because I can do what I want. so this is a late blog but a blog nonetheless.

It was Thanksgiving today. I went to my grandmothers as usual. however instead of it just being my mom, me, my sister, and my grandparents it was: me, grandparents, mom, my moms friend, my moms bf, my moms bf’s friend, my moms friend(whom she invited because she felt bad for him to be alone on the holiday). My sister wasn't there so I was stuck with a bunch of adults(even though my sister is technically an adult now).

I started off my day in quite the depressive state. I knew I had to get up and be ready by 1:00 so I dreaded that— even though it was for something as simple as a thanksgiving dinner. I guess I wasn't too thrilled about the dinner anyway because I only ever ate the bread rolls and the pasta my grandma made to accommodate my aggravatingly picky eating. whenever she does this my mom says she doesn't have to. but in the end she always does, i think it's because my grandma was similarly picky when she was younger. That was probably the only reason, as i don't think she would be perceptive enough to recognize i wouldn't have eaten anything else other than the bread. 

I don't have an ed, I know that. I'm really just picky and sometimes I forget to eat. I have adhd, so it's probably attributable to that. Today, I took my pills with tea and ate a small croissant. Later I ate a small bowl of dry cereal. Then at 4(as this was the time we actually began eating despite arriving at 2) I ate a hefty amount of the little palm sized bread rolls. they would be palm sized i guess for a little kid, but anyways i age about 7 of them, my sister wasn't there to stop me from taking them away from everyone else. before that though i ate a bit of the pasta, but did not finish it because it got too cold to bear. I feel bad for wasting it, especially because it was made only for me. That was supposed to be all but my moms bfs friend forced me to eat a small strip of turkey. i say forced, but in the end i relented because i hated the attention on me, and he was not forceful really. I'm just bitter. It was dry and left my mouth chalky.

Throughout the entire thanksgiving bit though my mom face-timed my sister and i kept her phone with me mostly. my sister didn’t eat much for thanksgiving, a bag of chips and a candy bar. It made me a bit sad, but she ate a sausage roll and croissant in the morning. she got the croissant because of me, and i felt bad i didn’t pick up her call in the morning because of that. but I don't feel guilty for any of these things, as most of the things I do seem to be for my own benefit. I'm quite selfish, as humans are. Anyways, that was the last of what I ate today. I like to chew on ice though, and I'm sipping on tea right now because I'm hungry but I just want something to drink yk. I'm not in a food mood, I think I just prefer drinks in general.

I finished a really good book today as well. In the moment of reading it I cried at some parts and enjoyed some parts. But looking back now I just don't feel much about it, which makes me a bit sad as I know I did enjoy it. Looking back at the events of today(or everything in general) I just don't feel entirely sure that any of what happened actually happened. I only feel quite numb about it all, other than a little pit of something in me. I don't know how to describe it, grief wouldn't be right as i have nothing to grieve, dread might be right but the only thing i might be able to pinpoint the source of my dread would be everything, which is redundant. I guess I'm upset that I finished the book because it felt so perfectly descriptive of how I feel. Which is something I haven't said about anything, because the way I feel about things is so entirely contradictory and manipulative and depressing and miserable. I'm very melodramatic, can you tell? haha. I think I'm a pessimist, but I'm not so sure about that. As I've said in my previous blog, I like to think on the positive side. though that's only around friends. and even then i dont realize im doing it at all, i say all those positive encouragements out loud. but not in my head. 

Around friends i don't like how i act, it's like i am not entirely in control. I'm not someone who thinks before they talk most of the time anyway, not that I'm content with that. but around friends it seems like i am always on defense and they're all picking apart everything terrible, dirty, and manipulative about me. I don't like it, but I'm not sure if that's something that's actually happening. i'm not quite sure of a lot of things actually, i really dislike this. I hate being out of control, but it seems I am never fully in control either. Even in my head I can't be sure if what I'm thinking is a by-product of other things or people. I would rather be away from everyone and stay in bed all day, curled up tightly and listening to miserable music while reading equally as miserable fiction. I'm not the most positive person it seems, that, or I'm being melodramatic. which is also likely. It's very likely that I will read this later and cringe, but I think that's because I'm being quite dramatically honest. Which is also cringy, because the truth is cringy.

I'm going in circles. my head hurts as does the rest of me. I'm tired, I don't want to sleep. byebye