Sooo.... BIG update tee-hee

Wow... it's been so long since I had ever written something here

It's been like what? A year and a half maybe? So much has changed, it even surprised me when i read those blogs because like i didn't remember feeling that way, so like yeah my past self would be very shocked to know what im going thu right know haha

As for the teacher stuff, yeah i mean like, i still hold some grudge against him but overall i mean i couldnt really care less, he is after all just a middle aged man who has trouble with his persona and well who am i to say thats bad? because like me too girl twins

I did told my crush that i liked him and yeah he rejected me and it was actually a huge thing for me (lowkey still is but shhh) because yeah he really gave 0 fucks about our friendship so the moment he saw the opportunity to leave me he took it and he stopped talking to me after that, actually that caused me a lot of trusting issues and self-esteem shit and stuff yeah it really fucked me up and im still recovering from it and people say that i should get over it already but like it really hurted me and well... im just taking my time man what else you want me to say?

I really wouldnt know how to refer about him if you asked me, like how i feel towards him right know, i dont hate him anymore, but i dont love him y'know? But if i had the chance to talk to him again i'd reject it, y'know its weird yeah

im know at college and things have changed a lot, i've met new people, different people, mature people who take shit seriously, sometimes, and i think i still havent adapted that well to all this new enviorment im in

i got myself in trouble for shit i said and i hurt people and tbh i dont know what got myself to do that stuff, because i never ever did that, spread rumors and stuff

Well actually idk why im reserved to not share it since no one reads this stupid blog anyways

There was this guy ummm Han, who i really liked to talk to because he was so easygoing and he has this very cool attitude, and we shared a lot of stuff and experiences so yeah we were friends, then somethings happended that made me thought that he was flirting with me, and tbh i still can't tell if it was or not, but something tells me it actually wasnt. Anyways, so after some time he tells me that he broke up with his girlfriend and i was like really annoyed because i thought "well what a coincidence you flirt with me and suddenly you break up with your gf?" right? and then i ask a guy if he knew and he tells me "yeah and i know why" so im curious to know and he says it was because he cheated on her and he was kissing another girl and stuff and im like very surprised because i never thought he would be that kind of guy and i blindly believed him and started to say that shit to everyone, i was thinking it was to "warn" them about the kind of person he is, but the truth is i wasnt really in a good moment to hear that and right after me thinking he was flirting with me like it all pilled up y'know? 

So a week passes and then he start to be really distant towards me and i also wasnt in the mood to talk to him so we are both like cold at eachother, and we used to go together home but then we didn't at i was having the feeling he knew i knew but i never really talked to him about it because in my mind i was "really careful" about who i told and my tone and stuff so yeah there was no reason for him to knew right? 

SO TODAY, we started to have some group feedback and stuff and he tells me this things that feel REALLY targeted so im like "oh he knows knows" and i start to feel reaaaally bad like that's when it hit me, and i also just notice that that's a really bad thing i have but anyways, like my mind blocks and i cant hear anything else its just like i never really experienced like hurting someone y'know? because it has been very few times when i've hurt someone and it were like very small problems so i was never like affected by it but this one was like heavy, and i thought, like i have to apologize, and i was gonna apologize in front of everyone, but i thought like "he doesnt deserve that apology y'know? like a very limited and uncomfortable one, he doesnt" so i waited for a right time and i talked to him privately and we talked about it and our deep feelings and well for me it was very sad because i had never felt that way, like, so guilty. And he said that he like forgave me and stuff but there is something deep inside me that just can accept it, idk what it is but i dont buy it, and i want to believe that he does but there's something off, and i know its probably just me and my traumas, but i cant put my finger on it yet.

Im still gonna believe him tho, because yeah i actually in this type of situations would rather live in a lie than the truth, im a sensible person who would literally kill themselves if told that it were better to stop talking and shit

I told him i was sorry like a thousand times and yeah he said that it wasnt necessary since he already forgave me but y'know when you get apologized your feelings get acknowledge you are recognized and thats what makes apologize feel so good, the recognition of the problem and the compromise to get better, well at least thats what i did in mine like. And well he gave me a "second chance" which tbh idk how to feel about that because i was never given a second chance but consequences ig, and i know its gonna be weird and i know it will be uncomfy at points but i know that im a good person, i dont go around saying it but i know im a good person, and a good person overcomes their flaws to get better, and im a good person so ill get better, and ill fix those things that complicate my friendships and i will prove people that i can be a better version of myself, slowly, gradually, but i will. 

Bad people dont get extremely sad feeling like a storm has just hit your heart and its getting eaten by a bunch of ants slowly as you're getting stabbed just by thinking you hurt someones feelings with your words, but i did, and it was painfull, and ill make sure to not do it ever again. Because im a great person.

I talked again with some friends and they dont see me as that, a bad person, they know who i am, and thats comforting, knowing someone knows you for who you really are.