Update 3: Losing track of time, but its alright.

it is so extremely hard to explain how i feel about my life and expecially myself nowdays.

im not sure where to start either, but i'll do what i can remember

about a week and a half ago, i made the decision to leave social medias that specifically i had a lot of friends on, or just places where people could contact me easily (Discord, twitter, Instagram) and all for the reason of me being a huge, fucking, emotionally unstable mess.

recently, i've been feeling awful abt my living conditions, my life, my family, my friends, but mostly myself. the way i act, think, respond to things, i feel like its all wrong and its something i need to deal with myself.

Bold on the MYSELF.

i would always go to my friends to vent, and by friends, i mean two really sweet girls, for the sake of anonimity, we can call them Arizona and Virginia.

Arizona was a friends i knew since i was like, 12? 13?? somewhere around the 6th grade, but over time i began to learn more and more about her, and she became the friend that i ultimately trusted and loved the most out of most of my other friends.

Virginia on the otherhand, i met her later, and alllthough at first i didn'tget to spend so much time with her, eventually we got so close as best friends, and it ended up with us dating. we broke up a while ago now, but its for a dumb reason, yet if i remember correctly, we were still on good terms last time i talked to her. or talked to anybody at all.

i went to these two like, all the time. everytime i had a problem, it was either Ari or Vir. i usually went to Vir because for obvious reasons we were way closer. but the more and more i vented, the more annoying, weak, and totally self centrerd i felt. it made me just want to stop feeling bad, i needed something, anything, to keep me from thinking such bad things, something to numb me, some form of punishment.

i started cutting myself a few weeks ago, and thankfully i havent done it in a few days, but it isn't something i do every day. i feel ashamed for doing it, yet it's a form of punishment that teaches me not to speak up, and not to ruin people's lives with my constant annoying fucking venting.

i made myself completely log out of my discord account, so i dont have to deal with the temptation to speak to others, i dont need friends to vent to, because i need to learn how to be on my own, and if i feel a strong urge to see how they're doing, i'll just discipline myself

i unfortunately cant get away from school friends though, which is a bit upsetting and annoying. they didn't do anything, but i just wish i could really isolate myself all the way. i wanna be alone at heart, but i cant. so i have to make due with what i have, and so when i'm at school i try to act a little brighter.

i actually dont really have too much problems with school other than like, math tests. studying gives me something to do, i'm constantly busy, in a clean environment, and i dont have to think about the problems that i shouldn't have.

i know a lot of what i said sounds REALLY BAD, but...my time away hasn't been completely horrible, i actually found a new interest/hyperfixation, that im only MINORLY embarassed that i enjoy.

theres this old Cartoon network Show called GROJBAND that im really into, and i think th show is genuinely really fun, watching it makes me feel like a little kid again, yet the characters are all uniquer and memorable, and like.... SO EASY TO MAKE HCS FOR

the thing im most sad about is that the shows fandom is not only small, But it only ever had 1 season with about I THINK roughly 40-50 episodes, which sucks because the show was released over 10 years ago atp, and never got renewed for a second season.

tbh, i love the show a lot but what makes me embarassed abt it is that it suffers from the same "The writers disguised fetish" issue that total drama and Dramarama did, which makes me honestly cringe at a lot of different points, not in a good way, but when you look past that, i genuinely love the show and the characters sm, my favorite has GOT TO BE TRINA RIFFIN (trina my BELOVED)

shes the "spoiled bratty" sister of the main character (corey riffin) and honestly shes just so sassy and like full of sm personality that i like- Semi relate to??? like i know she's an asshole to her little brother, and wer're supposed to hate her but.....

COREY...IS A FUCKING ANNOYING BITCH ALONG WITH THE REST OF HIS GRODY FRIENDS??????!??

basically to give a little bit of background, the main pattern each episode goes through is that corey and his band of 4 (including him) get a gig at someplace, and although they can play instruments, all of them fucking suck dick at writing lyrics. Corey's solution for this is stealing words out of his sisters diary, but in order to make her write more when he needs lyrics, is to legit get trina on a "emotional roller coaster" whether it means to make her extremely upset, Filled to the brim with happiness, or to make her extremely pissed off. i havent counted, but the times he's done anything bad for trina outweighs the amount of times he does something good. Once she feels that really strong emotion, she writes in her diary and after she's done, corey steals it and does his little cute ass show with his buddy pals

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING A !00% GOOD GUY WOULD DO???

Trina is made to look really mannipulative, and dont get me wrong, she is. IN the show she has this best friend named mina, who is like a polar opposite to trina. soft spoken, obeys orders, and lets herself get pushed around. I GENUINELY FEEL BAD FOR MINA BECAUSE SHE GETS MISTREATED SO DAMN OFTEN THROUGHOUT THE SERIES ITS ACTUALLY UNFAIR. in the last episode, she actually does stand up for herself, which is a fucking relief.

but, as i was saying earlier

Trina and Corey have way more in common than the show tries to make you think, these faggots are both mannipulative, gaslighting gatekeeping Boyboss and girlbosses.

There was an episode where trina is trying to grow a plant for a science project and puts it in the garage fridge and tells corey not to fuck with it of she will literally kill him (im exadurating it )

and so corey and his band just rock out, but the music somehow makes the plant grow into a  huge viny plant that has a mouth and vines and can play multiple instruments at once like it's fucking slenderman/ an octopus (dont ask ) and Trina comes back to see her plane huge asf, and is at first pissed but mina tells her that the plant grew so basically she still can get an A+, but it turns out the plant is an evil vegan (Again, dont ask) and hypontizes corey into  being an evil vegan with some poison gas until one of coreys friends make him sneeze it out with cat fur (Is he allergic??)  and so they try to kill the plant but it wraps them in vines and runs away on its plant legs

Trina comes back into the garage and is pissed off because the place looks like a jungle, and corey and his friends are tied up, and she asks him where tf her plant went, and he knows so he tells her to get him out the vines and drive him to the place ( Trina is 16, and aparently that is like, the minimum to drive on your own in canada aparently)

they get to this gig/resturant place and the plant is hypnotizing people with the poison gas, and so corey and his friends lead it into the kitchen and turn it into a fucking salad and kill that bih, and Trina comes in and asks where her plant went, until corey says they just killed it, and then PROCEEDS TO BE LIKE "guess you'll get held back a grade! youll have to be in my class, where IM popular! and Mina and Nick mallory (Nick is her crush) Moved onto the next grade, without you!"

she ends up going diary mode and bla bla bla you get the rest, but.....

WHAT THE FUCK COREY???? YOU MADE YOUR SISTER GET HELD BACK....AN ENTIRE GRADE?????

I DONT WANNA ROOT FOR THIS KID WTFF WHY DID HE DO THAT

the point im trying to make is that corey is litterally a fucking twerpy rat, maybe POSSIBLY even moreso than Trina, because all she wants is to destroy his band so he doesnt play shit music, and i think the worst shes done is like...Destroy his instuments and like try to get them stuck in a time machine and become like a communist robot society 1 year in the future?? ( again, dont ask) and i genuinely think Grojband ( the name of coreys band) is doing too much, like.....

"You hate my band playing music and me being happy? okay! how about i destroy your entire career in school, get you held back, humiliate you in front of a crowd, and ruin your chances at getting into a relationship?" LIKE WHATATHJ

FUCK COREY RIFFIN

STAN TRINA RIFFIN 4EVA

or like, dont like any of them

stan nick mallory 

damn now i have to talk abt him

Nick mallory is Trina's popular crush or something, and he speaks about himself in the third person to look "cool" and he'll say shit like

"Nick mallory is totally going to that party later" or "Nick mallory wonders why your sacrificing him.." like he just speaks really weird, but honestly go nick mallory he is such an icon. (they say this in an episode btw, he is an icon)

This guy is probably one of the reasons i love trina sm. she is the most delusional and DESPERATE girl ever for this guy its pathetic, and honestly im all here for it. i think its safe to say we've all been down bad for someone or something thats almost impossible to get, yet we still idolize it anyways either from afar, or still upclose, Like trina does

She will litterally change all her opinions about something if Nick likes it. Theres this episode where theres some guitar hero gaming competition in town, and theres like a crowd of people and Mina and Trina spot nick and Trina goes over to him and is like "arent these gamer boys LAAAAME???" and nick is like "Nick digs games, Gamer dudes, and Gamer girls!" and Trina is shocked asf and is like "Gamer GIRLS? REALLY???????" and decides to go in the competition against her brother just for nick to like her and she actually ends up fucking winning and is genuinely good at the game ( until corey sabotages her unfairly later but that doesnt matter) Point is she is so obsessed with this guy to an insane degree and its honestly enjoyable to watch for me, because i lowkey relate to her in that aspect

shes also rlly good at writing song lyrics and she writes in a diary and im good at those things too so !!!!!!! (i think its obvious i like to write tho from how long this blog is)

but deadass, Trina gets shat on sm, and i think she deserves sm better, she eats that show up

..... i think i should make a comp video on her eventually..

AND THATS A PERFECT SEGWAY ONTO THE NEXT HOBBY I DEVELOPED

MAKING YTP's

it's genuinely sm fun editing videos, but specifically the grojband episodes, because its already something i heavily love, and back when i was younger, believe it or not i used to like a lot of ytp's, mainly because i watched Charmx and saw a lot of them on his reaction channel ( which he is no longer uploading, sadly. ) but its something that connects with me well, and i wanna get better at editing in general. i've already posted 1 YTP (Grojband is Flopping) and im super proud of it. im not really doing it for views, because like i said a few paragraphs earlier, i just really need stuff to do to keep my mind off things i dont wanna think about, and it keeps me thinking positive and is just fun to build it from the ground up

im working on another one, and i plan for it to be out by this thursday, but if not, thats fine, i do these for fun anyways.

idk how to segway this in, but through watching Grojband, i also descovered this really fucking weird yt channel, where my feelings on it are legit just "It's so bad, that its good."

theres this YT channel that goes by the handle GROJGAMING that i found on total accident by clicking on the wrong video when i searched up Grojband in order to watch more episodes.

Grojgaming is a parody channel done by this one guy who pretends to be corey, and he has 2 other friends who are Laney and Kin ( voice acted by different people ) and Kon is also voice acted by the main owner of the channel.

GG Corey Does stuff like react to videos, play games, and just share news and content on stuff he likes, and it sounds silly ik.....BECAUSE IT IS.

in the reaction videos mainly, he has usually these corey sprites on the side like a png tuber (Think Saberspark or Jellybean) and they are SO. CRUNCHY. AND LOW QUALITY. IT MAKES ME GIGGLE AND I FEEL KINDA BAD FOR LAUGHING AT IT.

dont get me wrong, as much as i might seem like im hating on this channel for having really bad sprites, semi strange voice acting, or whatever else, theres a charm that comes from people doing parody accounts like these on whatever platform, wether it be a tumblr ask blod, a twitter parody account, or a youtube one.

its all made because someone genuinely enjoys a piece of media sm that they wanna be the character and make content based off of that fandom, and tbh i think thats something i can see the idea becahind, and its honestly really admirable, and its also extremely fun too. i've made my  fair share of parody accounts on the internet, and even on Spacehey! i made this Pico acc to parody as him, and it was fun asf for a while until i got busy with school and had some problems.

GROJGAMING hasn't posted in 2 months, but i'd be really happy to see new content from them in modern day prolly. i wouldn't feel so alone in loving this show LOL

i think im done for now, idk what else to rant about

my life is a trainwreck, and time flies by fast.

im losing track of time, but it's alright with me

-Cozmite