Life on a screen

This entry will be like a little weird vent kinna thing... I dont know.
I feel so sad that i have no life, at all. Even tho its not fully my fault i kinna caused this too and thats the freaking part where it makes me feel even more miserable. I hate myself for it everyday.

I'll get to the part why i hate myself for it and how its also my doing too but for now, i just want to blame others and feel better about myself at least for a few minutes.

Through my life, we never had a stable satteled life as a family. We never stayed at a place longer than 2 years. We never stayed in a place without constantly always travelling even tho our home is in a certain place. Each freaking week. EACH FREAKING MONTH. we were always visiting that same gaddang place and i had enough of it. Like isnt us not having a settled house in the same city no longer than 2 years enough? Why do we have to always go outside of our city on every fqking weekend and holidays??? I never get to be friends with anyone longer than 2 years. Somehow whenever i finally got friends, my parents had to told me that we are moving to another city to live in. All the faces, all the people, all the people i strunggled so hard to gain friendship of always turned into text ona fwking screen. A FLAT. LIFELESS. SCREEN.

Eventually since i grew up in constantly changing enviroments and social circles it got even harder for me to always and always get used to every fwking shi i forced to live into. As if its already being hard for me to find people to get along with isnt enough why do i have to get separeted with every friend i tried so hard to gain???

Goddang do my parents even know what i feel like? do they even care. I dont want the building ive built to be demolished every time without even asking for it. They dont even consider me as a human being who has its own life and own personality and own induviduality and own needs and desires and dreams and feeling and.. UGH 

Now im miserable. All alone. Needy to a fucking screen waiting like a fwking psychopath on my screen for someone who has an actual life to spare their time to me, a person who is nothing more but texts, images and sounds on a screen. They have a life, they dont want to deal with me. No body wants to deal with me. They have real friends that they can feel, touch, hug, go to places with and live dramas. Who i am? a fucking text that gets boring at some point. 

I wanna have memories. I wanna have a life. I wanna have a reason to get out of my room. I want a FCKING LIFE GDDANG IT A FWKING LIFE.

Im so scared that ill die before even get to experiance a life. Im so desperate and thirsty for physical experiances that i have unhealthy addictions. Not like dwgs and achll but like.. eating disorder??? perfume addiction, music addiction. I always listen music to hear something, i always smell perfumes to feel something, i always eat like a pig to taste and feel something.

Now about why i put the blame on also myself too.

Im so screwed up in the head that i devaloped a personality, a consciousness, a fwking awareness on what am i even doing and what am i even talking about... etc. I'm the dum fq that everyone hates and bullies for being autistic. I think i might actually be autistic now. I cant understand people, i dont know how to casually talk, im so dumb that im not aware of what i am doing, i say so many dumb things at the most wrong times...

I hate myself. Its my fault. I think im actually retarded. I think i actually have a brain demage and low iq. I hate this life, i hate myself.


I tried to quit this year for the first time multiple times because i cant fool myself and force myself to like, accept and enjoy what im living in. but the thought of me dying before even living a life and making my dreams come true felt even more disgusting that im alive now i think. at least im alive :D I should be thankful at least im alive even tho i dont have a fwking life!!! if i demand a life i would be unthankful to me being alive, healthy(?) and having food any enough money to live !!! :D


Despite all this, even if i had friends... Its impossible for me to hang out with them. My family is so protective and conservative that... ugh

I cant go to social places even if i want to. Every place i can get a fking friend is what my parents forbid me to go. They dont allow me to go anywhere. Even if they allow, they dont respect it and when i do plans of what they allow me to do they force me to screw them and do what they want. They didnt teach me how to use public transportation i tried to learn it myself and still dont know how fully. I dont have a driver licance and even if i have one i dont have a car and the car my family uses is always occupied. Im dependednt on them and if they dont feel like dropping me to the place i wanna go i cant. I always need to scream and start a fight to get what i want. They treat me like a doll on a shelf. They want me to have no needs and wants other than what they put infront of me to eat so i wont die. 

And when i try to complain they say im being spoiled and unthankful. They even try to abuse me if i say one more word. I cant express and explain myself to my family, im not allowed. If I do, i must accept the consequences (abuse)

The only thing that they dont push control on me is internet. They were not respecting that too but so many, sooo many fights, arguments, screams and yellings happened that they dont touch me on that topic anymore. Thankfully.


But its so sad that when i look back to my life and all my memories... They are all nothing but texts on screen. People's cameraroll is full of photos of them having greate memories with their friends and many beautiful places, events, shows, theathers, concerts... while all i have are some screenshots. I read them sometimes and feel happy

But yk everyone in those screenshots decided to focus on their life and abandoned me.

the main reason i tried to off myself this year was bcs
I feel like a broken object that has lost its function and usability. Nobody would ever like to fix it. Instead, they throw me away and buy a new one. Why waste your time on fixing things when you can save your time, effort, mood and mental by buying a new one that can work instantly???


I feel so cringe and hate myself for even writing these and posting them publicly like what am i? an attention seeker?

No tbh i dont want anyones pity and saying empthy worthless words that are not promising. I dont want empthy speeches that say "noo you are precious!! :3 i love you!!! everything is gonna be okay!!"

I dont want "everthing is gonna be okay" i want everythings to BE OKAY

god im litterally an emo ew

im not saying being emo is bad im just saying me being an emo is bad