Journaling (Dec 2 - ??? )

Dec 2, 2024 

--

I am in Study, first period, at the moment.
Just downloaded a game we haven't played in a good year... 
And, ah... 
I haven't told you guys yet, 
I've bought a vintage pocket bible to read. 
I am not religious, never will be, yet, 
I bought this bible to read it. 
And respect the words inside for the way they are, 
Not as they've been horribly misconstrued or interpreted as. 
I'm not all that thrilled for its arrival today, 
and yet I could imagine it must be a charming little book to carry. 
Not so much alongside my American Psycho copy, 
But Alas... 
I do what I wish in this world. 
And what I wish to do is to learn the words of the Bible, 
So that no one in this system I am in is ever hurt by its words ever again. 

The Bible is a man-made construct, 
Just as much as religion is, 
and yet, 
I still wish to defend myself from it... 
As much as I can.. 
So why not learn the words to learn how to fight them? 

Back to the game however, 
It is Project Sekai, 
A game that one of our friends adores.
Only feels right to play along with them, 
especially if they're so passionate about it. 

Dec 3, 2024 

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Hmm. 
Yesterday,
I had a very interesting day that I can really only talk about now... 
I got accepted into a State University with a scholarship and an invitation into an Honors Program and, ah... 
Had my ear talked off about the Bible in such a way that I got emotionally drained, 
And even after that... 
I had the short chance to play Terraria with our partner before I switched out. 
It was a fine day, I suppose? 
I wish Monty didn't stay too open about telling his parents about the Bible I bought... 
I was going to read it in secret but, 
Alas... 
There is not much I can exactly do, 
Now can I? 

I'm still only in the first class of the school day, 
I'll be having a gym class today, 
Not entirely looking forward to it, 
Yet, It will help get my mind off of a lot of different things... 

At least our parents are proud of us getting accepted, 
I suppose... 

American Psycho still has been quite the interesting read, 
although I have not done it often, 
I've enjoyed it as of late, 
I'm at the parts where Bateman's.. 
Hmm, "murderous" tendencies start to peek out? 
Hard to call it murderous when he's completely aware of them in a sense. 
Hard to even formulate what I exactly mean... I'm only around page 79 or so... 
But you start to see more violent sorts of wording being used... 
Which I can't help but find interesting.. 

We'll see.. 

Dec 4, 2024 

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Currently in Spanish class as I write this...
Presented a simple dialogue we made last week. 
I've promoted myself into a Host... 
And I don't know what to think about it. 
I've grown a bit worn. 
Just yesterday, an old alter came from dormancy, 
changed a bit, and yet... 
Ah, I'm not sure... 
Today is a day where I am low on motivation. 
Where I am tired and worn. 
I don't know what to say about the day, 
Not much has occurred besides the thoughts I've had about how lonely we have gotten, 
Despite being surrounded by friends, we feel lonely... 
Yet... 
On the bright side, 
There is a play I am making for creative writing that is all about loneliness caused by mental illness, 
So I do hope something nice can come from that teamwork...

Dec 5, 2024 

--

Snow day... 
I'm writing on behalf of my past self... 
It wasn't an eventful day at all. 
Stayed in bed for most of the day, 
but got up around the later hours. 
Bought 76 dollars worth of shirts, 
Just two of them, for Christmas. 
They're from our favorite artist, 
Boisvert or Xreamy. 
I'm happy that they'll arrive sooner or later. 
I had therapy that ended up making me sad at the end of it for some reason... 
At this point, 
It was a good day of rest. 

Dec 6, 2024 

--

I'm in Spanish class today, 
dreading the gym long block I'll be having, 
But it will probably up my horrible mood I have currently. 
I'm tired, 
I almost convinced myself I didn't have breakfast today... 
and the morning is already a blur. 
It's just me in front today, 
and I'm unsure if it will change today. 
I would be fine with that anyways, 
Sadly, 
I don't expect to make much conversation IRL today... 
It's been a very quiet morning for me anyways. 

Dec 10, 2024 

--

Forgive me for not updating this for 4 days,
It has been a hectic weekend for me, 
and emotionally, it was a train-wreck, 
But I promise you that things are alright now. 
A long conversation led to a lot of distress, 
and that distress lead into a busy Monday full of therapy. 
It was not very fulfilling, 
But it is progress nonetheless. 
We'll be focusing on changing a couple things about our life, 
trying not to let our potential disorders define our life, 
as we've done much more than we have ever intended. 
It's frustrating to be stuck in this little cycle... 
I'm starting to wish to change what we're doing. 
A new alter formed as well. 
An old alter returned to dormancy, 
It is a lot of different actions that occurred during those four days, 
Yet... 
I'm oddly at peace? 
Currently in Creative Writing class, 
writing what I can to compensate for the four day absence. 
I hope today will be a good day spent with Monty. 
He's grown this sense of reliance towards me... 
Which I cannot blame him for.
He wishes for a brother, 
I used to simply be another alter... 
But it seems like I'm more than that now. 
Goodness... 
I really ought to catch up on reading American Psycho too.