(healing is) not so linear

I don't know if I'm moving backwards or fowards anymore. I feel asthough I've hit a wall in my development,. I thought I was getting better but as time goes on I realize I'm just the same. I'm a bitter, unhappy person. I wonder if I even know how to exist without this sickness. I don't know if I can. This is the only way I know how to be.. I don't know how to love myself. It's scary. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I don't want to be selfish, even though I know that I am, and have been, a selfish person. 

I'm afraid to be happy because I know how brittle and fragile hope is. I've been reaching my hands out and grasping for little bits of hope... I've chased people down searching for some sense of completion. I feel like something is missing within me. I feel like theres just a wall stopping me from achieving my best self and I don't know what it is. There's something wrong with me.

I just want peace. It's all I've ever wanted. I want some piece of mind. I want to live with myself. I just want to letgo and be reborn. 

I say I'm trying to heal and I'm just letting all my chances go fleeting through the gaps between my hands, I'm such a pathetic excuse for a person. I can't even try. I can't do anything for myself. I feel like such a basket case. I wonder if things will ever really be better. Can I keep acting happy like I've turned over a new leaf? It really just feels like lying to ignore all the shitty things in my life... To ignore all the shitty things in me,, It's not okay. I shouldn't be okay. I'm not allowed.

I don't know how to exist

without this

I swear on my soul I'm going to fix it. 

I'll get out of here eventually...

Please,,