fuck my love life!!!

11.30 diary entry

im so pathetic, i mean like imagine being so stupid and alone  that you end up falling in love with someone only cause their words? there goddamn words!!! why can’t i just find someone i actually can see, i can love, i can touch, i can hold, i can kiss, i can go on walks with, anybody. i don’t believe in god, but if there really is one, i want him to help me.. what am i doing wrong? is it me? or am i inpatient..i dont know,, i just really want a shoulder to cry on. i have been dreaming my whole entire life of someone, because i know i can’t live on my own. if i do, however — i’d just be stuck with a sad office job, my life would be lonely forever. and i would die alone!!! i don’t want that, i really really really don’t fucking want that.. im so desperate honestly, i couldn’t even care less if it’s wrong to love. i want that feeling, but it might be wrong of me too have it,, im only using it as a way to fill the empty void within me. i need that emotion, i need that type of feeling and thrill of ataraxia, its my everything itself. i want it so badly. they can help me, right? they can comfort me, and i know i will give them the same. i want to hold someone. i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it. however, i have an issue… i always fall out of love if they reciprocate the same type of love, or show any sign. it disgust me. i know im disgusting for doing the same. im sorry, i really am. i could spend hours writing on a online diary, i really could. my love life is so shitty, i want to escape from this horrible world forever with a person besides me. i love it when they don’t want me back. i absolutely love it, and i can’t tell why :( and i know everybody has their own desires. i don’t want sex, unless that’s what you need. its just how the human species work, correct? it’s all a majority of people ever want in the middle of the night at one o’clock am. sex desires and playing stupid games. i can’t find anyone. anyone at all, and i’ve accepted that for the rest of my life. i don’t believe in love anymore. maybe it’s only just a passing feeling of lust.. someone, anyone in the world. please show me im wrong?