poetry and learning

coming to terms with what i want in life, especially as i learn to love myself, has been hard. but it's also been freeing? i was talking to a guy for a little bit. but i think i knew i didnt really like him. i just liked the idea of having a boyfriend because then i could be like everyone else and be normal. and i could invite him for dinner at my house and my dad wouldn't disown me. and i tried so, so, hard to make him be a different person, dress him up like an accessory. but i knew. i knew.

it makes me feel like an asshole but its also kind of relieving. like i got that experience out of the way. i got that "movie moment". he asked for my number after homecoming. like, thats a good meet-cute, right? that's a nice story to tell in a year or two, right? and im sure i did have some feelings for him, but there was this singular moment where it all clicked for me and i thought "this isn't what i want." 

as time moves forward and i get closer to what i hope is freedom, i understand my body and my feelings and what i want a bit more.

i went to a coffee shop today to get some work done, but i ended up writing something. this is what i wrote:

to love is to obsess

we hold each other

but my grip is fiercer than yours

the taste of coffee reminds me of you

the burn on my tongue reminds me of you too

imaginary heartbreak because i can't bear to let it get further

i want to ink the feeling of you on my skin

i want to look you in the eye

i want to start over

loving you isn't easy

i don't even know what love is

i know i find home in your arms

your touch your smell

i love that we're the same

molded from the same clay, brushed and painted by gaia herself

i love the softness of your skin

(your imaginary skin that i can still picture so clearly)

i love that our lips slot together so perfectly

sapphic domesticity

i yearn for it

i want to see you in my kitchen

in the sweater i'd given you

wearing the apron with my initials stitched in the pocket

i want to love you like a man could love you

love you more than a man could love you

i'm being selfish

is it wrong to be selfish when i have so little?

i feel better after writing. i felt better after writing this especially.