Entry #1: Introduction

Date: Nov 29th '24

Currently: Drinking monster & writing <3

Dear Diary,

I thought I'd reintroduce myself and explain a bit more on what's going to be posted here, so .. hi, I'm Alice! I'm a nonbinary lesbian and I use they/it pronouns

I'm a disabled autistic emo who has many illnesses :') like BPD, BED, CPSTD and addiction to both $H of all kinds. I know- that's a lot to hear all at once. It's taken over a decade for me to get help for any of it, so I'm having to talk openly almost daily about my struggles.

I won't lie; i don't want to get better. i mean, i do? it's complicated. I want to get better enough where I don't need to deal with the constant appointments and constant body checks that I deal with so often now. I want to be able to just be in my own home without the constant fear of someone getting angry over the tiny details .. Let me explain that one-

I don't live alone. I have my partner, who we'll called Moth, and I also live with 3 other people.

This is how we will be labelling all of them:

F = Father

M = Mother

S = Sister

I have other siblings, but they're not in the picture ... 

Moth and I want to move out, but due to everything above + money, it's almost impossible. Due to this, I hide away 90% of the time to avoid the constant angry outbursts, arguments, judgemental comments, and the body checking. I have been dealing with this for as long as I can remember, and it sucks.

I know how this might all sound; "Alice, you're 23! Why do you deal with it?" Because I'm afraid. For as long as I can remember, there have been constant arguments over the smallest things, people slamming doors/furniture around, and the energy is just angry. You walk in and immediately feel the tension in the room. You try to wash your dishes after a meal, and they will watch you to see if you make any mistakes or just "leave it there" for M. You go into the living room and try to make a conversation, only to hear "I don't care. Stop ruining *topic* for me" when all you wanted to do was show your parents that you are finally reading Wizard of Oz. 

It's a mess.

i have a lot of issues from my part, and my environment. i want to get better enough that I will be able to afford to leave, and never come back.

In September, I stayed with a friend for a couple of weeks, and I was okay ... for the first time since I was a child. I didn't have to hide away, or be afraid of what someone was going to say. I could eat whatever I wanted, and be free to clean up without judgement. I was free.

That small trip made both Moth and I realise how much we NEED to get our own place, and get away from everything. She hates how they treat me, no, how they treat US. Once we can get away, I can do what I want. I can be ... free.

I'm going to end the blog here. I won't always talk about ... them. 

I have so many other interests and adventures to talk about. I hope you- well, whoever is reading this.. I hope you enjoy.

Take care, friend.

-Alice <3