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Cw/Tw: topics of emetophobia, minor sh mention, manipulation and bullying.
Not comfortable? don't read.
I wish my irl friends cared (if N is reading this, this isn't about you, you care <3),
I wish they hadn't taken her side. If I wasn't an idiot and had that argument because she left me for friend 1 then maybe then they'd care?? But I got manipulated by her and it make me want to experience that again so I get loved platonically again. I'll always be the last choice within the 4-5. I get excluded from a few gcs. No one cared to check up on me at my lowest times and if they say "r u ok" they say it out of pity and not bc they care they wouldn;t give two shits about me. If I disappeared they'd move one. They probably find me weird or too mentally ill?? Or too ugly maybe. Who would want an emetophobic friend with yellow teeth and an ugly face?? I wish I could be more myself near them I wanna feel ":3 :D :0 :>" and say randm things and rant often and be louder or chiller and say wonderhoy and make dark mh jokes but instead I'm often dry because either way it won't make a damn difference. I am usually to text first and NO I will leave you on seen if you don't care or JUST "notice". I'd rather get comforted by online strangers or N than any of my school friends.
She did not care if I sh. She invalidated my anxiety when sitting at the front. She invalidated my emetophobia when it was extremely bad. She invalidated my passive sui ideation. She invalidated my feelings. She never really changed. But she's so much happier with friend 1. Maybe I was the problem all along. I wasn't good enough for her; I am a book; first I'm read, then I'm used and carried around, left lying around somewhere, then put back and rarely or never reread.
All my life I'm considered weird, ugly, annoying or all the above. I rarely get compliments. I'll never be loved. I'll never have a gf/bf/so or any of that. This is why I kin Rui, specifically Middle School Rui as well. Is it that bad to be associated with me??
Dear weird cool stranger on the internet who's reading this, maybe we could be friends, even if we don't talk or message it's fine. I just wanna be myself =3
Thanks.
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rina bekova
oh, it's very hard for me to realize that you are going through such terrible events in your life. you are surrounded by people who don't underestimate you, they just treat you terribly, especially your ex-girlfriend. but that doesn't mean you're terrible. There is literally no perfect person in the world, and I am no better myself. Don't ever say that about yourself again, okay? there will definitely be people who will understand you correctly and realize that you are a very good person. I understand your main phobia, it's definitely terrible, but that doesn't mean that someone should underestimate you again and ignore your personal boundaries and convenience. I am sure that you are a wonderful person in life, no matter how you impose all sorts of nasty things on yourself. a person is more interested in the inner world, and you have a very diverse one, as I have managed to understand.
Is there anything I can do to help you? if it becomes difficult for you again, then you can write to me, I will help you as much as I can
You don't have to do anything, I'm just really glad someone read this blog and heard me, and that's more than enough <3 Tysm, I'm sure you're awesome sauce irl as well, I may not change my view of myself but you're very kind :)
by Kat XD; ; Report
goddamnit You're too good for this world. I don't understand how people can say nasty things about you. if you still consider it necessary to leave such an opinion about yourself, then I will not contradict you. Maybe you can become the best version of yourself someday. just for yourself
by rina bekova; ; Report