ive officially been single for a whole year

This is a stupid post but oh well. a week ago officially marked a full year I’ve been single. I kind of miss him. He was kind of shitty and our breakup was insanely messy and he was super immature. It was two emotionally stunted high school kids first try at a relationship. But I think a lot about the one time we hung out outside of school. when we went to a halloween party together. he came to my house and we dressed up in couples costumes and i dolled him up, and i told him he was pretty and he said i was pretty. we spent like an hour and a half making out in the basement and flirting and my mom drove him home and he lay on my shoulder and i kissed him goodnight and it felt good walking in and announcing he was my boyfriend. to simply say i had a boyfriend felt good. It was nice to have something to look forward to besides friendships that no longer exist. I think about how we saw each other every day. Texted each other goodnight. he held my hand in the hallway. I leaned on him when I was fighting with people. he skipped class to hang out with me and fuck around, or to make out behind the building. It was like, the first and only relationship I’ve ever had and even if it was a little mediocre I still mourn it from time to time when i think about how soft he usually was. As someone who perpetually feels unwanted, having someone want me finally after seventeen long years felt good, even if it was only “good” and not “great.”

i dont have a single picture of us together. not one. and i deleated his contact and all his messages and i just hate myself a lot for it.

Then I remember he’s still kind of a prick. a much smaller one now, but a prick non the less.

Even if he treated me well, he didn’t treat people like me well. he apologized for breaking up with me cause of some transphobic shit his freinds said. and Every once in a while I think about talking to him again, like right now when i went from reading a really beautiful fic to wishing i wasnt in bed alone, and going though our saved snapchat messages from when we were still together. but if I do, I add to the list of people in my life who make me their exception, not their rule. i cut my dad out because of his alignment with anti trans media. getting back together with a man who runs in similar circles would be disrespectful to myself.