Grief

I am having a pretty rough time especially with it being the holidays. My mom passed away in August and I have been absolutely lost and don't know what to do or how to go on in my life. I need to do better because my husband and daughter deserve me at my best but it is way too hard to smile, laugh, and feel anything besides anger and sadness. I am angry because I should've seen the signs sooner that my mom just wasn't doing well with her health but she always downplayed it until it was too late. She was in the hospital for 15 days and only 2-3 of those days she could talk and be coherent, but I couldn't visit due to being sick. I should have gone and now I am angry and have so much regret. What am I supposed to do I cannot breathe without feeling like I am drowning and on top of all of that my health is declining and it won't stop either, my step-dads health is declining as well. It has been rough and I just don't know what to do...