I'm going to blow my mind.

It's been a while since I wrote, so here I am. As usual, I bottle things up, and now I'm facing the consequences of showing up drunk at work on Monday. I've got a monstrous hangover and I'm just crying silently at night. It's becoming a familiar pattern, unfortunately. But am I really ungrateful? Or do I just want to live the life I always dreamed of having in my youth?So, my family is okay with calling me immature now? Years ago they said I was too mature for my age. What's the difference? If they thought that about me at 14, and now I'm 19, does that mean I'm not mature? And then when I want to act like an adult, I'm not in their eyes when it suits them? I mean, even if I trusted them, they wouldn't know I smoke, right? Because I'm just immature, someone who doesn't know what's going on in their own life.Is there anyone who will just shut up if you throw them some money or a little bit of attention? ...It's funny because even when I'm looking for a romantic life, I can't leave my family behind. And even though they think I never look out for them, what if they saw everything I've given up for their happiness? I feel chained to them, unable to escape. Do they even see that? Or do they just ignore it and say no?