I might be losing it!!! (11/27/2024

I feel like I am just going on a spiral. 

I'm doing drugs and drinking, and I could stop (i know this is a like an addict line but really no shit i could) but I don't want to because it just drowns out all of the noise and shitty parts of my brain. 

The worst part is no one is noticing, and not like i really want anyone to notice you know because they would think the worst of me, but it kind of sucks that I am going through this and the only friend to me is the one destroying me. 

I keep up the appearances, grades are amazing and i brush my teeth and wash my hair. But the second i'm alone the mask slips and i turn into a waste of a human being. 

I think the part of no one noticing is for the fact that i really don't have anyone close enough to notice the difference between me before and me now. 

I can't keep a close friend or lover for more than 3 months, it's like some twisted cycle of getting super close and then they tire of me. At first I thought that was just the type of person I attract, but now I think it has something to do with me.

I recognize this and try so hard to break this cycle but I can't. I am the ultimate people pleaser because of this and it sucks because i expand all of myself only for me to fail anyway. This also causes me to not put myself out there; i have this facade of an amicable and reliable person who will be there for you, but i don't let anyone past that and that's all i let them see, and it works because when people talk about me it's always nice things. But i wish people would talk about me, everything about me, not just the nice surface level bullshit but the only way to do that is to do that is too let them see the truth of me but all that does is drive people away. 

I say all of this as if i'm some special enigma and complex person, but i think that last sentence is true of anyone. But i also dont think it is because when i see the whole of someone i never judge them for it, it's just the part of being a person. Everyone is complex, i just wish people had that same approach to me. 

Three months. That's all i have with people before they pull away. I try to savor those months, but in the throws of them, I forget myself and then suddenly those months are gone and i'm left by myself again with nothing but a facade and memories, surrounded by people who think im "nice" but have no other sentiments about me, nothing good and nothing bad. 

That's where i'm at now, with no one to talk to but a screen while listening to radiohead. I'm such a lost cause, in all honesty i think i have always knew this. I knew this in kindergarten when friend groups for elementary school were cemented and i was not really a part of any of them. I knew it in 3rd grade when no one wanted to be my partner for a project to make a solar system and i made it myself. I knew it in fifth grade when i moved schools and when i asked for ways to keep in touch with the people i had known since i was 3 and no one wanted to. I knew it in 6th grade when i sat alone at lunch even though i knew everyone in the lunchroom. I know it now when im once again eating lunch alone at an empty table in a cafeteria where all other tables are full, most days instead of wallowing in the noise of the cafeteria I just eat fast and sit on a patch of grass and read instead. 

I'm dropping weight, which is probably the one saving grace from my current bender. May be a fucked up way to look at it, but if it's something to give me hope then i take what i can get. Looked up why because google is free and im a curious person, apparently nicotine nulls your appetite, which tracks. 

I think at the core of this is the sentiment that i've held since i was around 12. I probably won't be alive past 25, so i do everything without a thought of my future because in the deepest parts of my brain i know it won't matter, im not the type of person who is made to live into old age. I was born to die young, no use in trying to fulfill my life now when it won't matter to the grave in rotting in likely 10-20 years from now. Honestly maybe sooner based on the track i have right now. Drugs are my sustenance and alcohol is my water. And i can live with that, or well die with that.