Aren't you tired of victimizing yourself?

I don't have anything new to say, today I woke up crying . . . "woe is me, I'm so sad" that's really all there ever is to any of this ... 

i missed out on something today, something i think i really wanted to be a part of, because i am so stupid and can't ever sleep at night. i'm really sad, and i feel incapable.. i wish that i were different, i wish i had the opportunity to make something of myself, but it's just too impossible. i want someone to save me, for some way of getting everything that i want so that i don't have to cry anymore, or cut myself, or feel disgusted by a memory i'm certain i've blocked off. can something please get me out of here?

even at the slight chance of being allowed some form of escapism, it isn't far enough, and it's still too unrealistic. i just want to be happy, why am i so sure that it starts there? i want to kill myself, i really really do

recently, i've fallen back into my alcoholism habit, and it isn't is bad as before but it's still there. it's all a bit of a downwards spiral anyway, regardless of how "bad" it is. it's like i'm trying to do everything in my power to get worse over getting better, i'm always doing that. . . i don't even really try, even when i want to feel happiness, i just don't care long enough before my suicidality returns. i'd rather die than be happy, and that's just the truth.

i started self harming in places i never have before, because my arm is beginning to almost feel numb, which i'm not too worried about. . . i've cut my chest, my legs, my stomach and my neck in the past two days, and it's like, i'm absolutely going to care about that scarring later. it's only adding to my putrid rottenness. i don't care right now though, i just want some form of relief. i do feel complete embarrassment posting about this, it's embarrassing, i'm an adult now with my adolescent habits and feelings but i don't have anything else. i refuse to reach out for help anymore because it just feels so pointless. it really is pointless.. i may as well let myself go until i can't anymore. i feel shameful, but i know that no one will read this so it's okay, surely it's okay <3. i don't have anyone that cares for me either, which is fine, i'd just like to point that out. all of this talk of a savior but ** ******* **** **. 

when i was newly sixteen, a man five years my senior came into my life promising to save me. i talk about this a lot, because it's hard for me to move on from it. i didn't often express my feelings of hurt outside of social media, so when he put on the facade of caring i believed it. i was naive, of course, because i was a teenage girl... he called himself my boyfriend, and promised to listen and help me.

outside of these promises, a lot of the relationship was just sex. i never wanted to, in fact i  hated it and would most times outright refuse. he would be upset at this though, and it led to a lot of unfortunate discomfort on my end, just wanting someone near. i don't think i'll ever be able to talk about the extent that this went. . .

when he fucked me (he wasn't fucking me), he fucked the men before him who'd done the same thing. he was fucking poverty and aloneness. he penetrated inequality, he was having sex with the millions of words i wrote to him, my entire body, and my scars too. each like outstretched holes he twisted his dick in to further spread open and deposit his poison.

i still think of it often, it's hard for me to let something like that go. it went on for three years, and despite all of the threats and sadness i felt during, i still held on to the idea of him being there for me, i really wanted nothing else. so i'd appease him by any means... i don't know how i couldn't see it for what it was. . . it was only ever an older man taking advantage of a strange younger girl online. i'm so silly to hold on to it, and i don't want to be a victim. because really, it's all on me... i asked for all of it, being a victim is just not something that happens to me. 

 i wish something could help me, i really need it