Bl0g #3!

TW for some sensitive content mentioning ED’s

(Pls don’t int if you’re jus gonna shame me or complain about what I’m writing about 😭)

Okay! Hai everyone, I hope you guys r having a good day/night ^_^ I haven’t wrote a blog in a while omg! I kinda missed this hehhehe. I’m just glad to be back.

Lately I haven’t been feeling the best with my mental health or appearance :( I already have issues with the way I look but recently it’s been much more worse and I don’t know why. I can’t stand the look of myself — well, I haven’t been able to for quite some time. I’ve been struggling quite a bit and I know I worry my mates and stuff but I don’t know how to bring it up without being a problem or being annoying and it kinda sucks. I want to talk to someone about it but the only thing keeping me from doing it in my overthinking and feeling like I’ll upset or annoy them. I wish I didn’t feel like this, I just wanna feel okay, yaknow? 😓 I don’t know, I’m just stupid and silly sometimes igg.

I’ve been losing my appetite more than usual and it’s a lot more easier for me not to eat now. I keep omading or forcing myself to eat but I hate it. I hate food. I hate feeling full and love it at the same time- it sucks. I just want to eat without that guilt or without forcing myself. Why isn’t life fair? To be fair I brought it upon myself. How am I going to force myself to not eat for like 3 weeks and then hate the fact it fucked up with how I eat? Im stupid. At least it makes not eating easier. It kinda sucks tho. I don’t like feeling guilty for enjoying food but at the same time the guilt and the weight isn’t worth enjoying food for like an hour. 

I guess I just want to like the way I look. I don’t think I’ll ever feel loved unless I’m skinny. Small. Light. It sucks. I just wanna be loved. Feel loved. I wish I didn’t care what other people thought about me but hearing people call me fat, joke or not, hurts. It makes me never want to eat again. I guess that’s what motivates me.. like, proving them wrong.. like showing them I can be skinny and even skinnier than them. I want to be deathly sick. Deathly skinny. See every bone everywhere. I want people to tell me I need to eat more, not eat less. Seeing the numbers on my scale goes down never fails to make me happy. A type of happy food won’t ever give me but yet I still choose to binge every time I don’t eat for a period. I just need to remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing. That one meal isn’t worth months of progress.. but idk. A lot of my friends say I’m strong but I’ve been feeling so weak lately lmao T_T 

Will I ever be lovable? Doesn’t feel like it.

Anyways! I cut a cat face on my thigh and it’s so cute :3 if you wanna see just dm me! :D