the human curse of love .

TW : MENTION OF SA AND SH

love is a beautiful feeling. however, it is not an energy to approach carelessly. being the strongest, most passionate emotion a human can feel, just like any stereotypical "power", it can be the reason for one's downfall. not everyone is ready for love despite deep natural cravings for it, as it can be a poisoning addiction if not carefully handled. 

whenever you find yourself feeling a true connection of love with another, always remind yourself that no matter what, you come first. as much as you might want to ignore this fact or have a love for someone so strong that you're unable to feel such love for yourself as many desire or romanticise (or even feel like this without controlling it), stop yourself and always put your needs above anything. while people come and go from your life, you are the one soul that is no matter what guaranteed to stay by your side. while you may truly believe there are others that will never leave you, the unfortunate reality is that this is never guaranteed and there are always risks when putting a high amount of trust in such things.

this is my story of the love i've experienced. i suffered being deeply in love with a person for over 3 years as they did not return my love back. it was a constant cycle of deluding myself into believing i will receive the love back despite the unrealistic circumstances, and then harming myself both physically and mentally when i woke up to truth. after this never ending cycle carrying on throughout my teenage years, i finally got close to what was once something i never thought would come to reality. i achieved getting closer to the person i felt so much love towards, being the closest of friends. while this was still hard for me considering that i felt romantic attraction when we were just friends, i felt truly grateful to be so seen by the person i admired the most. until, the one thing i wished for for so many years had finally come to me. a romantic relationship blossoming between me and this person that meant so much to me. both clingy towards each other, taking care of each other, sharing the most private, intimate parts of ourselves with one another. once i had gotten what i longed for for all those years, i didn't think anything could possibly ruin our deep bond. this mindset has only come back to bite me much harder. blinded by the love i felt, when he had sexually assaulted me i told myself that it surely couldn't have been intentional and that he couldn't have had bad intentions, forcing this idea upon myself to protect our bond despite the discomfort i felt whenever thinking back at the assault and the multiple times that he attempted to pressure me into consenting. love blinded me into believing that nothing was wrong and that what happened was perfectly normal. it took me until recently to really realise what he did to me as the love i previously felt began fading. when love disappears, sometimes you realise what kind of person somebody really was, questioning how you ever felt so connected to a person of such nature. if i had, had more respect for myself and relied less on him as the assault took place, maybe i would have stood up for myself and i wouldn't be in the state i'm currently in.

If you ever love anyone, learn to love yourself before progressing forward, it's the one piece of advice i want to give to the world. love is unpredictable and cruel.