i have too many hobbies

okay, is that enough css? can you see this in the preview? I hope not. I tried to make this look like some of my regular autistic nonsense, to hopefully deter anyone who went back here to find something to use against me. I don't think my irls ever look on my profile anyways, its a chronically online eyesore. Or, a testament to how interesting social media could be if we stopped being so concerned about dumb shit like being weird or cringey. I know the pink sparkle layout is incomplete, the code for it is basically there as a form of steganography. Speaking of that, one of those weird pixel patterns i posted on my twitter has text encoded in it using LSB. Its especially hard to tell its there in an image where the pixel colors are seemingly random (they aren't, the base image is a distortion effect applied to a CMY dithering pattern that's supposed to make.. some sort of white-ish color? It's the best you can do if you're using CMYK dithering (no white) and don't want all the clouds to be piss yellow. I have nobody to talk to about this, which is unfortunate because it's honestly really cool. But I'm incredibly off-putting, which probably repels people from wanting to participate in my interests. I didn't ask to be this way. I kind of don't know what I'm supposed to do. I try to act normal and it eventually stops working. I spent all of elementary and a lot of middle school trying to figure out how to act so I'd have friends, so I'd seem acceptable and normal. Clearly that didn't work >.> I've spent my whole life wondering why everyone else is well liked and has friends and then there's like. Three people that genuinely tolerate me and don't say nasty things about me when I'm not there. If you did come here to find something to use against me and didn't ignore the blog post despite the css spam in the preview and the dumb title, you're probably thinking "well obviously it's because you do shitty things all the time dude." and yeah I know!! I overreact to everything! as soon as i get even the slightest feeling someone doesn't like me i immediately start thinking about them as if they're like. A cia agent that'll gun me down when I least expect it. Thats fucking stupid! The way i think is ridiculous! I don't like it either. I hate knowing that I push people away that used to care about me. I'd like to apologize and go over what I can do better in the future, but how am I supposed to bring that up out of nowhere? And it's not like anybody comes to me about that, they just say stuff to other people and it eventually comes back to me. It kind of helps me feel better when I think of how i was probably meant to experience this. Maybe its some sort of test? Am i supposed to be telling some young person in the future about how "oh in my grade school years i was a piece of shit and nobody liked me but since my body was too resilient and literally wouldn't let me kill myself, I'm alive now and i guess thats pretty neat." (I'm serious. Both times i tried to overdose it did absolutely nothing even though most of what i took was lithium carbonate which is supposed to be toxic and potentially deadly! I just kind of barfed a bunch. And then shat. A bunch. i went from worrying about how awful everything was and whatnot to being scared of shitting my pants in bed because i might have to go to the toilet for the fifth time. My cutting attempts were also equally disappointing. One time, the power in my bathroom went out while i was rinsing blood down the drain so i had to just leave and lay down in bed, with crusted blood all over me And thinking gosh i look like an idiot rn. I think the other few times I tried and tried but i just got sort of dizzy and i had to get out before my family or friends suspected something. I'm NOT trying to go to the mental hospital again. The dinner rolls were good but literally everything else had me calculating how to hang myself from the safety doorknobs.) Anyways. I think sometimes that maybe I'm just doomed to be this sort of person. I'll just always be sort of unlikable, and my only appeal will come from flanderizing myself, so I'm more like a cartoon character with a running gag and not really a whole, complex person. That sucks. I'm not remembered for anything personality wise. It's literally just all the stuff I never stop talking about. But anyways, it sort of makes me feel better to think i was always doomed to be like this. Because then i dont have to feel frustrated about not being able to fix it. I just cant. But then thats obviously not fair, that im just like.. supposed to be this way forever? I want to change! I want people to like me! I'm just afraid I'm too far gone. A lot of people judge me for my poor school attendance, which i can only ever explain as being "sick". I have no idea if it would help or hurt to clarify that i was sick from messing with my medication in an attempt to either kill myself or weaken my body to make it easier in the future. It looks like I missed school the last day before our break because i was embarrassed about my chair placement or something. I mean, I am. I should've practiced but i was too busy sleeping literally the entire time i was home because doing anything else would eventually bring my thoughts back to the whole "everyone wants me to kill myself" nonsense. Thats a bullshit excuse. I couldnt just tell the director "hey sorry my audition is ass its because i wanted to die so bad i just stayed in bed as much as i could and prayed it would happen." But thats not why i missed school, its actually because i was puking and shitting everywhere because i tried to OD again. I took the pills when i was in the middle of a severe allergic reaction hoping the heartrate issues the antipsychotics cause would make it worse, and everything else was just to really make sure it got me. If i succeeded at one thing it was making myself fucking miserable, because i could hardly breathe, and as soon as my airways opened back up i had to vomit. at no point did i even get close to dying. This is just ridiculous. I can't just go out the american way because if my dad does still have his pistol, it's locked up somewhere and i highly doubt my sister would get it for me, even if she really doesn't like me sometimes. Also, we have a shit ton of bullet casings in the laundry room, but i dont know if there's actually any functional bullets. Cant try cutting again, ever since i got hospitalized in february my parents have kept all the sharp stuff locked in a safe. That sounds really stupid. I mean, obviously its because they care. It just makes me feel kind of dumb when i think about it. Am i really so unstable that i have to ask for permission to have the blades for the blender? That if i leave something like a can tab in my pocket and it shows up in the laundry, my parents immediately assume i was gonna hurt myself with it? and i know it bothers my sister. She's made fun of me on multiple occasions for cutting myself, which seems to be because she thinks its my fault there aren't knives in the kitchen. It is, but it's not like i thought this was how things would end up. I thought i'd die, or if i survived i wouldn't have gotten caught. One time i tried hanging myself. I think it's possible, the ceiling fan can support my weight and i was able to tie my sheet around it in a way that stayed put, but my bed is Kind of in the way. So at any point i could just stand back up and be fine. It would work if i just stayed hanging there and didnt step on the bed for support, but think about how hard that would be! Your body is made to do everything it can to not die, i feel like after a certain point i'd just automatically try to get out. Thats kind of why the whole sequence of someone standing on a chair to get in the noose and then kicking the chair away exists. so basically, i cant kill myself. no matter how hard i try. yeah its dumb that every little thing makes me wanna die, but a lot of that is frustration from how even when something huge was bothering me i couldn't do it. Why did I have to get such a good immune system?? Usually I'd appreciate that, but my kidneys dont seem to realize that i put all that lithium in my bloodstream on purpose, so if they could please just leave that there that would be nice. I have concepts of a plan. There's some other ways i could go about doing this, but i really dont want to risk saying it incase i somehow get tattled on. I was actually going to post something coherent here but i forgot and im tired so ill add it later. If you read everything i hope you were thoroughly entertained!