syzygy

the halloween season is officially over, and thus so is my trial-run back among the living. tutorial's complete; i am officially a human being, breathing and whole. 

it feels weird.

i feel weird.

there's now a space for a retrospective on what was officially the worst period of my life, a period i thought would never end. a period i genuinely thought would kill me. turns out, coming as a surprise to nobody but me, it was really bad.

all of a sudden, there's something to lose again, and i don't mind that.

i made new friends. it's been a long time since i made new friends. i mean actual friends, the kind you talk to more than once and take time to get to know and trust.

i used to "make friends" with every single person who spoke to me, and the people who picked up on that were predatory, whether they knew it or not.

when you're in a dark place mentally you attract other people who are in a similar position.

and in that particular position, all you think about is yourself, and how to get the next kick out of being alive. it's not a very rewarding existence. crabs in a bucket. strangers at a dive bar.

it's not perfect, and the journey here has been difficult, but either way i suppose it warrants an acknowledgement.

i am not evil. i am not scary. i am not built to hurt people, i am not a pain entrapment machine. nobody is out to get me. i am not, subliminally, out to get anyone else. and i'm certainly not a pleasure tulpa for strangers to warp and use without repercussions. nobody made me in a lab as a grand compatibility experiment gone horribly wrong.

i am a nuanced, complex human being. i was a baby once, who turned into a child, who turned into an adult. i am charismatic, intelligent, funny, talented, and interesting. so is the rest of the world. there are so many people with so many beautiful, unique traits that they share with each other. the world is a good place to live in. humanity is worth it. people are worth it.

i work at a novelty shop now. it's a nice place to be. you meet interesting people. i'm very much looking forward to the next chapter. i love my friends. i love my family. i love my world.

i used to think being an incurable joy-boy was a curse. baby's day out, just bumping into danger and pain with a smile on my face, unaware of the world around me, and unaware of the hurt that shrouds everything and everyone in a thick fog of uncertainty. the crack of doom sounded like thunder in a beautiful storm, or church bells in the distance. nothing mattered, and i loved that, until the sharp momentary clarity of how desperate it all really was came crashing down. lost at sea, sinking in a clown car filled with delusions of evil and persecution and grandeur.

i'm on dry land now.

i'm still married to the bit. i'm still oblivious. i'm still frozen in an obnoxious, simultaneous state of complete trust and complete reservation. but i'm no longer in danger. 

the people i used to know, the people i thought i killed, are still alive and happy. i missed them, and they missed me.

i want to play dance dance revolution. i want to explore abandoned places. i want to sing karaoke. i want to hug the people i love. i want to make up words in order to collect ill-gotten gains in scrabble competitions.

right now my favorite word is "syzygy". it roughly means alignment in opposition, but the specific definition varies depending on which context it's being used in. all consonants, unless you live by "sometimes y" rules. syzygy.

life keeps rolling on. you only get one go-around. i'm a quarter of the way through, but you never know when disaster might strike. the world is getting more dangerous. i'm willing to die for my cause. i'm willing to die for the people i love and the things i believe in. i'm not afraid. i refuse to live in fear. never again. i will live with neon bright conviction and high resolution clarity. 

if you're reading this, no matter who you are, i love you. take care.